Everything You Ever Wanted (And Didn’t Want) To Know About Uncircumcised Penises


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There are three things in this wild and crazy world that elude most of us. The Bermuda Triangle. Area 51. And, of course, uncircumcised penises. Those of us who have experienced them come back like we’ve been in a war. Our friends who haven’t experienced it ask us about it and we just stare at them with this blank unseeing look, unable to explain what we’ve seen. If you’re one of the veterans, congrats. You made it. Maybe you got over the shock and fell in love with the man and his meat. Maybe you panicked and high-tailed it out of there. Whichever it was, it doesn’t matter — we’re proud of you all the same.

But if you’ve never experienced one of these hooded unicorns, you’re wondering what all the fuss is about. Sure, you’ve Googled it when you’re drunk, but that’s only gotten you so far. Never fear. I’m here to teach you the oh-so-good, the bad, and the so very, very ugly. Hang tight. After this, you’ll be ready, for whatever peen greets you in the future.

What Is It?

Basically, it’s an intact penis. Circumcised penises have the foreskin clipped off, whereas uncircumcised penises are “unaltered.” These ~natural~ members will have the foreskin covering or partially covering the head (mushroom shaped nub on the end) of the penis when the penis is soft. When it’s erect, it’s pretty hard (lol) to tell that it’s not snipped.

What Does It Look Like?

Think of a pig in a blanket, a penis in a turtleneck, or a turtle with it’s head juuuust barely poked out of it’s shell. I kindly decided to demonstrate this with my Harry Potter Snuggie.

Note: penises may or may not have the Gryffindor crest.

To further your education, I have provided a few more visuals to better understand what we’re dealing with.

A photo posted by Da Don Diva (@classylady317bx) on

Things You Need To Know About Them

  • 85 percent of men in the world haven’t been circumcised.
    Mr. Perfect just got even harder to find.
  • If he’s Jewish, he’s most likely been snipped (seriously, it’s called a “bris” and it’s a big deal).
    Considering pulling a Charlotte any day now.
  • It breaks down in US regions like this: 81 percent of boys in the Midwest were circumcised. 69 percent in the Northeast. 64 percent in the South. 33 percent in the West.
    The Grand Canyon, and deserts, and uncircumcised peen, oh my!
  • It’s usually done when people are babies (24 hours after birth for newborns, or eight days for people of the Jewish faith).
    Sounds like a relaxing way to enter the world.
  • But hey, the procedure only takes like, fifteen minutes.
    Then a lifetime of looking like everyone else awaits!
  • Basically, a doctor uses a scalpel (shudder) to remove the foreskin from the baby boy’s penis.
    Something you hope they don’t remember.
  • Medically, it might be more hygienic (so boys don’t have to pull back the skin and scrub) and might reduce the number of UTIs and other complications down the line.
    Plus, for most of us, it just looks right.
  • On the flip side, people think it’s pretty fucked up to mutilate a baby. And it miiiight reduce sexual pleasure for the guy later in life.
    Beauty or pain, beauty or pain. Gosh, good thing girls never have to make a choice like that.
  • One actually isn’t better than the other. It’s really just preference.
    Don’t knock it till you try it, ladies.

What To Do When/If You Encounter One

  • Remain calm. Take a few deep breaths (through your mouth, not nose).
  • Don’t look directly at it. You don’t want to scare it.
  • Do NOT make a comment about it. Unless it’s a compliment. Then proceed.
  • Approach it slowly but confidently.
  • Check out the situation before going down (more skin means more room for there to be *gasp* smells).
  • Handle it with care. Literally. They’re usually more sensitive.
  • Enjoy the pros of getting with an uncut guy (better sex for one, so they say. And I’m willing to bet he’s more likely to go down on you. This isn’t confirmed, just a hunch).
  • Be cool. Whether he’s cut or not, it’s probably not his choice. Be nice, be respectful, and use his mouthwash after, if needed.

So whether you’re team pigs in a blanket or team hot dog (?) know that there’s not a right or wrong answer here. Just more selections of erections to choose from. Besides, you know what they say. It’s not the size of a man’s foreskin, but the size of his credit card limit heart, or something like that.

[via Parents.com]

Image via Shutterstock

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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