Remember that time, five minutes ago, when I covered Kim Kardashian’s wedding? Well, I hate to make it all about anyone who isn’t me, but I absolutely have no choice but to cover her divorce. I promise I’m really not as obsessed with her as it seems. I’d actually love if E! was spending more time focusing on something else, like the status of Giuliana Rancic’s illness (love her, I’m really sad that G was diagnosed with the big C actually, but she’s such a trooper!), or the fact that Jessica Simpson is, in fact, pregnant, and not just fat again…but duty calls.
I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, but after a mere 72 days, Kimmy K called it quits on her nuptial vows to basketball player Kris Humphries. In a typical 72 day period, I normally meet a boy, fall in love, meet a new boy, mentally break things off with the first one but neglect to tell him, fall in hate with the new boy, see the first boy out, fall back in love, and take him to my formal. I am utterly perplexed by the fact that anyone could decide in such a small amount of time that there is no way they can make their marriage work. Not to get all serious, because it really doesn’t suit me, but I really hate the message this sends, and the threat it poses to the sanctity of marriage…‘til death do you part I thought?
So what happened? I’ll tell you what happened. She didn’t take his name, and she had black at her wedding, that’s what happened. Bad omen, like I said from the beginning. The official statement is irreconcilable differences, otherwise known as the “it’s not you, it’s me…I really have to focus on my career right now…I think we’re better off as friends” kind of divorce settlements. Kim also described their living situation in a New York apartment with Kourtney, Scott, and Mason, as “not ideal.” I’d just like to point out that I’ve also had living situations that were “not ideal.” Rewind back to freshman year when I was in a forced triple with a reclusive nymphomaniac who regularly participated in audible phone sex with her boyfriend regardless of anyone’s presence, and a bipolar pastor’s daughter who couldn’t decide whether she hated me for my “disturbed sense of morality” or if she wanted to be me because I was “perfect and everyone loved me.” I’ll admit, being fed compliments all the time was nice in the beginning, but it bordered on creepy when she started stealing my clothes. Despite how “not ideal” that was, I even considered them sort of friends in the end… Well, the masturbator, not the church girl, I’m pretty sure she’s in some sort of rehabilitation center these days. I digress. The point is, I somehow managed to survive that, and you really can’t make it work with your husband, sister, faux brother-in-law, and nephew? Seriously? I’d like to take this moment to say THANKS A LOT for ruining the upcoming season. This is pretty much the worst spoiler alert ever. I probably won’t even watch. Ok, I probably will.
Humphries says he’s “devastated” and that he didn’t see it coming, which I find impossible to believe, because the rest of us did. We all knew it was doomed well-before they very loosely tied the knot. The incessant quarrelling was clearly more than pre-wedding jitters. She couldn’t handle his poor taste in décor, the small-town living to which he was accustomed, his dogs, or his atrocious wardrobe (I might have made the last one up), and he just wasn’t cut out to marry a diva. It’s pretty clear to me, that she could handle being miserable but what she couldn’t handle was being told by her hubby that “by the time you have kids and they’re in school, no one will probably care about you.” Not sorry to say, Kim, that that’s the truth. Now you know how Paris Hilton feels. Rumors that it was all a publicity stunt are rampant, but in my expert opinion, it was more of a “I’m 31 and I don’t have kids yet” stunt. But not all is lost. Humphries is currently unemployed, has already released a statement admitting to having feelings, and he was the dumpee, so she’s clearly winning this break-up. Plus, she did make a few mill off the whole ordeal, and has been cited reiterating the prenup she signed. Business first, right Kim? How’s that working out for you now?
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]
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