As much as I love fashion, I’d be lying if I said I was always wearing something runway-worthy. I mean, an outfit consisting of leggings, Ugg boots and a Northface basically comprised my uniform for what I wore to class in college, and the same can be said for all of my sisters. We definitely figured out how to get our shit together when it came to finding outfits to wear out at night, but with the existence of themed parties, more often than not, I found myself getting drunk in something neon at an 80’s Themed mixer than wearing any of the millions of designer clothes, which still had tags on them, that could be found hanging in my closet back at the sorority house.
Being in a sorority basically affords any girl a free pass when it comes to fashion, when you think about it. I mean, we all know only GDI’s actually dress up for class in undergrad. It’s totally acceptable to wear Norts and a sorority shirt anywhere during the day, from class to the tanning salon. The only time we really need to dress to impress is during the formal rounds of recruitment, or to a chapter meeting that requires pin attire. I think we all know the familiar “Why are you so dressed up?” look that comes across our faces when we see one of our roommates leaving the house in jeans and a casual top before like, 7:00pm.
That being said, I also think it’s important to note that when we do dress up, we do it right. As a whole, sorority girls are not bargain rack shoppers. We love designer labels and fashion trends, and we’re not afraid to admit our jewelry collection is worth, collectively, the price of a mid-size sedan. Don’t get me wrong, I am a SLAVE to runway spreads and new trends, but I also think it’s important to realize that even designers make mistakes too. There are some ideas that should NEVER actually materialize, and this year has seen a lot of those. Just because something is “trendy” or “in” right now does not mean it’s cute, you idiots, and it’s any savvy shopper’s job to differentiate between the fugly and the fashionable. There are some trends that should have NEVER been a thing, and I really hope none of you ever fall victim to these practical jokes of accessories and clothing items.
- Image via Blogspot
I don’t know why this is a thing now, but it is, and it’s fucking terrifying. Rose gold is a big “NO” on my list of “I WOULD NEVER,” somewhere between belly button rings and ripped jeans (more on that later). I hate rose gold because it’s basically the crouton of the precious metals world. I don’t know exactly what it is, or how it’s made, I just know that it’s evil and was put on this earth to make me wear clothes with numbers bigger than “0” on their tags. I’m not saying rose gold makes you fat, directly, but I just think wearing it might make you susceptible to other questionable choices, which could DEFINITELY affect your diet, when you think about it. I think rose gold is BEYOND tacky. It’s been seen on every accessory maker’s spring lines, such as Michael Kors, Marc Jacobs, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Tiffany and David Yurman. I just, like, don’t understand. If you want to wear gold, wear gold. If you want to wear silver, wear silver. If you can’t make up your mind, you’re really tacky. It is also my firm belief that jewelry should be timeless and classic, and it’s evident this rose gold moment is a trend. I can’t imagine anyone who will be truly happy with the fact they put rose gold in their wedding band a few years down the line. I recently saw an Instacollage made by this tacky girl (who also happens to be really chubby, point proven) I went to high school with of her cheap-looking “Michael Kors” rose gold watch and it made me throw up. People are shameless.
- Image via Tapper’s Diamonds
No. No. No. Nunca. NEIN. If diamonds a girl’s best friend, yellow diamonds are her super bitch cousin with the Tijuana boob job. Any girl who elects to wear a colored diamond because “it’s different” is an idiot who has probably slept with a guy that owns a few Affliction tees, and that’s a fact, stated and confirmed by yours truly. I think yellow diamonds are so fugly. The only time a good yellow diamond ever happened was in How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, and that move was years ago. The same is said for blue diamonds, and pink diamonds, for that matter. I know the Heart of the Ocean diamond was a big thing in Titanic, but that bitch died at the end of the movie, so I don’t know why anyone thought colored diamonds were safe. Also, apparently chocolate diamonds are a thing now, and I’m unwilling to even wrap my head around that. Chocolate is for fat women with self-esteem issues ,and putting that concept into diamond form is an insult to jewelry purchasers everywhere.
- Image via Sodahead
I know they sort of had a moment back in like, 2005, when Abercombie & Fitch and their shirtless models convinced us all it was cute to look like a hot mess from the waist down for a little while. I thought they had gone away for good, but apparently, they’re back in some circles. NO. Ripped jeans are tacky, they’re tired, and they have “try hard” written all over them. Call me crazy, but I think people should dress to look polished and as if they have their shit together, not to look as if they just finished a weekend long bender in Vegas with Charlie Sheen. Insane, right?
- Image via Blogspot
This might be a total Pinterest trend, but I’m putting an end to it NOW. I’ve been systematically un-following any tasteless girl who’s pinned a picture of some high waisted (Denim? Unclear.) shorts with a gradient color scheme. Even worse, these shorts usually have some studded detailing on the pockets. I can’t understand why someone would think these are actually wearable, or cute, but FYI, they’re not. In no way, shape or form will anyone EVER take you seriously when you’re wearing hot pink shorts that fade to orange out in public. EVER.
- Image via AlieExpress
Are you a lesbian? Are you a lumberjack? Are you from a mountain town where your only viable option when it came to losing your virginity was your cousin? If you answered “no” to any of these (hopefully all), there is NO reason for you to wear plaid, EVER, unless it’s like, a sick joke. I know Chanel kind of gave us this whole “hippie goes to rehab” vibe in their pre-spring line, but I’m putting an end to the notion that plaid ANYTHING is acceptable. There is nothing cute about looking like you ran into a wardrobe malfunction and decided to wear a tablecloth instead. I know this whole “country chic” style is becoming a thing, but there is nothing more disgusting than plaid. I don’t care what color it comes in, it’s effing sick, and should be left in the 90’s. If you’re an idiot who owns a plaid shirt, you need to hire a personal shopper, and fast. You should also go get glasses (and not the big, thick rimmed, hipster kind).