The Black Eyed Peas singer and her husband of four years announced this morning that they are expecting their first child. Fergie and Josh Duhamel took to Twitter and Instagram (what else) to make the announcement. Fergie Ferg decided to take charge of all the inevitable jokes by tweeting, “Josh & Me & BABY makes three!!! #mylovelybabybump” accompanied by what I’m assuming is a weird picture of her as a child, photoshopped with her husband as a child, and a cat. So…there’s that.
It’s cute that the former meth addict and her way-too-hot-for-her husband are reproducing. I actually think the reformed party girl could be a great mother. Josh Duhamel will make his way onto the “Hottest Dad Ever” list, where he’ll join the likes of Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Matthew McConaughey, and, effing duh, David Beckham. What’s most important here, is that we’ve finally confirmed Fergie is not, in fact, a transvestite, because I’m almost positive she wouldn’t have the proper parts to reproduce if she were.
I can’t wait to see how fat she’s going to get. She’s never been the most petite pea in the pod, and pregnancy will only cause her not-quite-perfect frame to expand in all directions. She’ll probably soon unveil some new line of tacky maternity shoes to complement her already tacky shoe line. She might even design maternity clothes that can be purchased by the type of girls who shop at this place called Kohl’s. Pregnant women everywhere will be ready for any situation, whether it’s the dance floor or the delivery room.
The annoying interviews that she’s sure to give are less exciting to me. No one wants to hear her divulge the disgusting, vulgar details of having a fetus in her womb. She’ll probably overuse words such as “amazing” and “life-changing” to describe her fetal incubation period, which will be beyond irritating, but like I said, she’s going to get so fat it won’t matter. Meanwhile, Josh Duhamel will hopefully continue to make movies that showcase both his lack of acting skills and his strong facial structure.
I’m hoping that Fergie birthing a child will give us all a break from her awful music for a little while, because I think new humans require a lot of work. Hopefully good, old Ferg will be too busy changing diapers, or whatever it is new mothers do, to create new, stupid songs. I’m also hoping she lets her husband name the thing, because I can’t even imagine what someone who elected to call herself “Fergie” would want to name a child.
Image via Fergie’s Instagram