Many people have been tweeting me asking how my first day of work went. You’re so sweet. The answer is miserably. Below is the literal message I sent to my friends regarding my first day.
My first day of work went HORRIBLY. I was so nervous and filled with anxiety that I was totally anti-social and couldn’t even think about anything other than the fact that I felt nervous. Plus I fell. Not full-out faceplant, but I fell enough that I could in no way pass it off like I was just about to spontaneously start skipping. So that sucked. And it also made me unwilling to stand for the remainder of the day. I had to pee so badly that I decided to brave the journey (maybe 20 foot walk) to the bathroom (which by the way, wreaked like fat girl mixed with tuna salad). Once there, I naturally didn’t want any part of my body to touch any part of the bathroom so I squatted obviously…which I also did when I went out with my co-workers on the previous Friday, and then forced the one guy’s girlfriend to come into the stall with me by telling her “I shaved so it’s fine” and she totally judged me for not sitting on the seat. And probably also for making her come into the stall with me. Anyway, as I’m in my mega high hot pink heels, attempting a balancing act over the smelly toilet, I seemed to have mis-aimed, and managed to pee on my shoe. Just a little bit. Not like peeing on my shoe. But somehow a stray droplet landed on my shoe, and I was beginning to think suicide was the only option because my day could not get any worse. But ALAS, I then took a gander in the mirror and it appeared that not only was I having a bad hair day, but also a bad face day. Impossible you’d think because I’m so pretty. Oh, what? I mean… No but really, I looked awful. After not too long I got the most formal message I’ve ever received in my life from Theresa’s new boyfriend telling me “not to worry” because “she was in good hands.” Of course this caused me to cry. Like at work. Like I cried on my first day at work because I was like “Oh my God, what if I never come home, and now I’m never going to know anyone’s boyfriends slash husbands. And none of my friends are ever going to really know Mr. Somebody Important IV once I meet him, and once I pop out Mr. Somebody Important V, my mom won’t even be around to help me take care of him” and the cry sesh went on like this for another four or five minutes. I concluded my day by leaving the office, making a horrible first sober impression on everyone, like an anti-social goober, and decided the only way to make my day better was to rush to McDonald’s for a large fry, Rolo McFlurry, and a ten piece chicken Mcnugget (but I only ate eight of them because I’m trying to lose weight). After that I was not ready to go home, so I just decided to look for a beach to let my emotions out. Except for that the nearest beach is like 3 hours away or something. So I drove aimlessly and ended up on a farm somewhere, certain to be eaten by a cow. I was then informed that cows were vegetarians, which of course, was going to make it all the more tragic when one ate me. After I became fully aware of my impending doom, and the fact that it was about to get dark out and I didn’t know where I was, I pulled over onto a random farm to burst into tears. I texted my boss to inform him if he didn’t stop me, I would probably be in my home state by morning, and he called and was like “uhhhhh, don’t worry it’s fine.” After about twenty uncomfortable minutes of him trying to understand me through my hysterical tears, I calmed down enough to realize I was probably being annoying and perhaps unprofessional, (not that I care much about those things, mostly the conversation was becoming redundant), and I drove home to an empty apartment because my roommate was busy having a sleepover with her balding, 36-year-old not-quite-boyfriend character. All-in-all, a horrible day, but my outfit was super adorable and the remainder of the week went pretty well, and I’m pretty sure I convinced them to paint my office pink. Today I was even comfortable enough to roll in thirty minutes late. Oops. Love, love, lovveeee you girlssss. Can’t wait to arrange a visit!
Needless to say, half of this was crazy girl brain. But either way, I’m glad I got my first day out of the way and can now be a normal functioning member of society.