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Five Reasons To Thank Your Best Friend If You’re Both Effing Degenerates

Degenerate

Within the last few years, I’ve seen more Reasons to Thank Your Best Friend articles than I care to remember. According to the internet, I’m supposed to thank my best friend for everything from “supporting me” to “always being there with a smile.” I’m sorry, what kind of Hallmark card friendships does the rest of the world have that I don’t? Am I missing something here? The last time my best friend “supported me” was carrying my drunk ass home after vomiting in the Uber and informing the Uber driver he couldn’t kick me out because I was Miss America. The last time she was “there with a smile” was while taking a selfie with my intoxicated corpse. Since I can’t be the only one with a friendship like this, here are five honest reasons to thank your best friend.

For Always Keeping It Real
Your best friend’s job is to tell you when you look disgusting or that shirt really does make you look fat. No one else can keep you humble quite like her. The only thing more important than always telling the truth, is knowing when you shouldn’t. For example, that time she said you were prettier than Gretchen from Kappa Slappa Hoe who ended up dating your crush. You both know you were the Cabbage Patch Doll and Gretchen was the Barbie, but you appreciate her lying just the same. Let your bestie know she’s a gem and can totally afford to eat that third cookie.

For Being My Ride Or Die
Ignoring the cheesy Insta caption, loyalty is one of the most underrated virtues in a best friend. Few things are more important than if your bestie blindly hates the same people as you. Like the time she sided with you over your ex in a breakup, even though he had been her friend first. Or last Halloween when everyone in your friend group bailed on dressing up like slutty princesses, she swore up and down that your “Cinder-Elsa” costume was intentional.

For Keeping Receipts On Me
Thank her for always forgiving, but never forgetting your transgressions. Like how she forgave you for not inviting her to your birthday party in sixth grade, even though she’s mentioned it every year since. Or the time you finished her vodka because you were too lazy to go to the store and didn’t think she’d notice. She may hold grudges like no one’s business, but at least you’re always in her thoughts.

For Always Pushing Me…
…sometimes off a ledge. Just kidding. Your best friend is supposed to believe in you when you no longer believe in yourself. She’s the one cheering you on to take that last shot so you won’t be a little bitch. Most importantly, she always encouraging you to stay in school, even if it’s by constantly reminding you that you’re too awkward to become a stripper.

For Treating Me Like I’m The Best Thing Since Diet Coke
If your best friend doesn’t treat you like a friggin’ unicorn who poops rainbows, is she even your best friend? Like the time she offered, nay, INSISTED you take her brother to formal. Disregarding the fact that she then threatened to kill you both in the same breath if you all hooked up, it still showed she considers you part of the family. Hell, she’s even added you to her family’s group chat (and they only thought it was mildly weird). Sure, she may roast you on a daily basis, but you know she’d never let anyone else do the same. She may be a total psycho bitch, but she’s YOUR total psycho bitch. Even if your friend love isn’t as obvious to the rest of the world, there’s no one else you’d rather be unhealthily co-dependent with.

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Snarky Srat

My hobbies and interests include everything that won't make me money. Now accepting rich husband applications.

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