They say not all heroes wear capes and I would have to agree. I have personally shamed my mother on several occasions by strutting through airport security with a lei made of mini alcohol bottles strung around my neck, proudly displaying my alcoholism. Paying the absurd prices (anywhere from $4-$15 based on my own personal experiences) on a flight to get a buzz? With MY tolerance? Ha! Miss me with that nonsense. Sorry if my “being cheap,” and “lack of class,” embarrass you, mom. But I have fucked at least three econ majors, so I think I know a thing or two about being fiscally responsible.
And if you’re wondering if you can legally start your family vacay by crafting a lei of equal parts flowers and mini bottles of vodka, then my friend, you are in for the news of your summer. Because, yes, yes you can. Suddenly that 6 a.m. flight to Hawaii after spending the previous night out with your sisters doesn’t sound like Guantanamo Bay-style torture, huh? You’re welcome. Plus, try telling me you don’t have the utmost respect for the girl knocking back her 7th mini bottle by the middle of your four-hour flight.
Is there a bigger power move to pull? Well our girl, Rachel Trevor, seemed to think so. According to Buzzfeed, instead of paying the prices to catch a buzz, or finding loopholes around it, she just stole a bunch of drinks. Now, before we get to be all judgey about what is “morally wrong,” I want to think back to all of the time you led a guy on to believe that you would stick around if he bought you a drink, but then you took that shit and ran. We’ve all stolen some things here and there. A composite, a shack shirt, the hearts of guys who would never have a chance.
The difference? Our dabble in the kleptomania lifestyle had been more or less harmless. There is a difference between walking off with a shirt a guy let you sleep in and pulling off the price tag, stuffing it in your purse and taking it from the store. Maybe there shouldn’t be — after all stealing is stealing — but there is.
It gets worse. Trevor wasn’t some poor passenger stuck next to a relentless crying baby when she made her move. She was the flight attendant. Oh, and she allegedly stole almost 1,500 bottles. I keep trying to think of new ways to defend her. Because honestly, the story is too great not to, but she keeps digging herself into a deeper hole. I get that her job probably sucked, dealing with people always does. And, yes, she was probably underpaid. As a current employee making minimum wage, I can see how it’s hard to not feel as if you deserve more for your work. It sucks. But it’s life.
So what could have justified her behavior? Maybe she donated the bottles to a fraternity party. Maybe she sent them as grad gifts to her old sorority. Maybe she just decided that her life is miserable and she wanted to drown her sorrows 1.5oz at a time. All of these, I could support. But she didn’t do any of them. The rum, gin, and whiskey weren’t forced down her gullet like some sort of fucked up silver lining to the cruel world we lived in, the were instead sold on Craigslist for a dollar a pop.
My only hope was that the buyer was some freshmen boy trying desperately to impress his date, and doing so without enlisting the help of his older brothers. Some sort of alcoholic Robin Hood if you will, she stole from the rich and gave to the needy, but for a profit.
It’s no surprise that she got caught. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished. Now she’s looking at charges that include theft of property exceeding $10k (I told you they’re overpriced), unlawful sale of alcohol, and unauthorized transportation of alcohol and unauthorized storage of liquor for sale. Tough break, kid. You should have done what the rest of us do when we’re pressed for cash — call our parents and cry. Works every time..