The question begging the mind of every young gentleman is the same: “How do I get girls into bed?” A lot of seemingly nice, charming guys keep using moves that are tried and true, yet they’re striking out. The inclination is to tell them they’re being too nice, but after much deliberation, I realized this is not entirely true. I thought about it long and hard (get your mind out of the gutter) until I finally came upon the advice that every guy so desperately needs to hear: be hot.
That’s it. Simple as that. It’s all but scientific fact that girls will respond favorably to anything you do or say if you’re good-looking. So fellas, stop “being yourselves,” stop “being assholes,” stop “being chivalrous,” and just start being hot. We’ll consult reality on this one. The following is an accurate portrayal of girls’ reactions to identical scenarios depending only on whether her pursuer’s a hunk or a chunk.
Bringing Flowers
Set the scene: After some casual text exchanges, your gentleman caller takes you on a date. He insists on picking you up because he has a surprise for you. You open your door, and your date is holding a beautiful bouquet of red roses.
When A Hot Guy Does It: Oh my God, he is so romantic. This is the kind of thing you always hope for, but never expect. He’s just too good to be true. I’m Snapchatting, Instagramming, and Tweeting this immediately. #BestBoyfriendEver #FutureBoyfriend*
When An Ugly Guy Does It: Really original, dude. I’m not impressed that you saw a rom com one time and followed its unoriginal advice that was already cliché in 1950. And, really? Flowers? On the first date? Play it cool.
Sweet Messages
Set The Scene: You’re engaging in a mildly entertaining text conversation with a boy before bed–nothing too serious–and then he lays it on you. He says something like, “Well, I’ve got to hit the hay, beautiful. It was lovely meeting you last night, and I hope to see you again soon. I can’t get your smile out of my mind. Sweet dreams.”
When A Hot Guy Does It: He dropped a hard B. We’re getting married. He is not like other guys at all. In fact, he might be the sweetest penis-haver on the planet. I’m in love. I think he is, too.
When An Ugly Guy Does It: You gag and throw your phone across room. Then, you shudder for 10 minutes before even considering retrieving mobile device. That was disgusting. Never say something like that ever again, in your whole life, dude. I almost just vomited, but I wish I blacked out instead–and I never regret puking.
Ordering For You
Set The Scene: The bar is crowded, and you get to chatting with the guy standing next to you as you wait for the bartender to realize you exist. Finally, your time comes. Without a moment’s hesitation, or a glance in your direction, this gentleman places his order: “I’ll need a Bud Light, two shots of Fireball, and a vodka pineapple for the lady.”
When A Hot Guy Does It: You, sir, are all man. You know what you want, and you want to take charge. I’ve never even had a vodka pineapple, but I’m so drunk on your testosterone right now that I doubt I’d even taste it.
When An Ugly Guy Does It: Umm. What the fuck kind of weird order is that? I don’t even like pineapple. Please get away from me, you rude, barbaric, misogynistic creep. I’ll order my own drink. Thanks.
Cheesy Pickup Lines
Set The Scene: You’re at a house party and you lock eyes with a guy across the room. He coolly comes over to you, and with a completely straight face, he says, “If you were a booger, I’d pick you.”
When A Hot Guy Does It: Immediately burst into a giggle fit. Wow! Why did guys ever stray from the classics? That was funny, and original…in an unoriginal way. Nothing beats a guy with a sense of humor. Nothing.
When An Ugly Guy Does It: REALLY? Did you really just compare me to the stuff my Mucinex left behind? That’s gross. You’re gross. Maybe even I’m gross. Here’s a tissue. You’ll need it tonight–for more than one reason.
Bold Sexy Talk
Set the Scene: After enjoying some adult beverages, you find yourself talking to a young fellow outside the bar. You’re the only two around, engaging in some witty banter, until things take a turn for the serious. Next thing you know, he has you pinned up against a wall. He’s holding your arms over your head, as he looks you deep in your eyes and says “I’m going to fuck you tonight. That’s a promise.”
When A Hot Guy Does It: Yes. You. Will. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, forgive me, but this man can take me right here. I will get off to the memory of this moment for weeks.
When An Ugly Guy Does It: Well, you’re a rapist.
So, there’s all the proof you need. The trick to picking up ladies is simple. Just be hot and you really can’t go wrong.
Image via Huffington Post
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]
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