Global Wine Shortage Is Upon Us

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I don’t know a lot about making wine, and the only thing I remember from economics is that S-long always made me think “shlong,” but it has come to my attention that wine drinkers are embarking upon an epidemic. Wine consumption has been steadily on the rise since the ‘90s. We are drinking about 400 million more cases of wine now than we were ten years ago. I have single-handedly contributed to about 25% of that.

This seems like great news. Everyone is more fun when I’ve had wine. Hangovers are a bitch when wine is involved, but my mom’s a bitch when wine isn’t involved, so it’s a fair trade-off. Life’s just been a grand, old, high class party since the whole world became winos. We hadn’t a care in the world.

Until now.

Apparently, wine production, a necessary component in getting wine drunk, is down by a lot. Our beloved vintners over in Spain, Italy, and France, responsible for 60% of the world’s favorite adult beverage, have been struggling to keep up for the high demand of vino. Basically, we’re drinking too much. Europe will have to continually have exceptionally good harvests “well into the century” to reduce the low wine production, and continue supplying the world.

What will become of us? Will we have to cope with our stress sober? Will we have no way to justify sleeping with Mr. Bad Decision? Will high society women be forced to find a new substance to abuse in order to pass the days? Will “staying in tonight” no longer include a bottle of grapey goodness for each person? Will we — dare I say it — have to switch over to beer? That’s not a world I want to live in.

If winemakers can’t get their shit together, we can only pray for the Second Coming. If we ever needed someone to turn water into wine, it’s now.

[via The Atlantic]

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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