In a haze of warm Natty Light and bad mixed drinks concocted by fraternity pledges, the loafer-stomping guy who loves “Timber” just as much as you do won you over last night. He was a sweet-talking, tall, dark-haired prince charming who swept you right off your feet and into his bed. After a wild–and let’s be honest, sloppy–night, you wake up at 8 a.m. as your hookup shifts positions. Your first thought is “fuck,” as you realize you’re not covered by your chevron duvet, but his sheets of questionable cleanliness. You immediately begin to analyze the situation. Is he still the same charming guy who swept you off your feet? Or were the vodka sodas you chugged last night talking really loudly? These are the four guys you could meet in the morning.
You don’t ever technically meet The Dip outside your drunken haze. Upon waking up, it doesn’t take much to see that he was a drunken mistake. He is not cute, he’s a little chubby, and you’re not sure how you ever convinced your drunk self that he resembled Zac Efron. He’s The Dip because you never get to know him, and you dip before the poor kid even opens an eye. You quietly get up, collect your belongings, and dodge bumping into his brothers as you leave the frat house. Your one goal is to get out unseen.
Straight Face has tailored his game for nights like this; after all, it’s not his first rodeo. In the morning he’s, well, straight-faced, calm, and cool. You don’t need to worry about dipping out before he wakes up, but don’t expect to hang around. If he’s truly perfected his game, he’ll provide you with a full ensemble to wear home (he’s stock piled clothes he doesn’t need for mornings exactly like this) and he’ll make conversation long enough to get you out the door.
There are both pros and cons to The Cuddler. What girl doesn’t like affection? Sometimes a little morning cuddle, even if it is with some random you met the night before, can be a real confidence booster. If you’re lucky, The Cuddler might even be down for a little morning fun. This only works if he is, in fact, the prince charming you thought he was. Be careful though–he might not know when enough cuddling is enough. You don’t want to sound like a cold-hearted bitch, but sometimes you have to tell the kid to quit koala-bearing.
There is nothing more terrible than waking up next to the most socially awkward hookup ever–Mr. Talks-A-Lot. He can barely give you directions on how to best leave the house from his room, but on the other hand, Mr. Talks-A-Lot is so damn annoying. No. You don’t care how many beers he pounded last night, and you certainly don’t want to hear about the other girls he’s slept with (Mr. Talks-A-Lot doesn’t know where to draw the line). No matter how hot he may be, politely excuse yourself and leave.