Once upon a time, hair trends were easy. Blondes (thought they were) the best and were snubbed by brunettes who felt more ~mature~ than their counterparts. Black-haired girls looked down on the both of them and everyone made fun of redheads. It was simple. Easy. Acceptable. And then, well, things got weird. In a world of “acceptance” and “everyone be yourself” and “you’re beautiful no matter what” people decided to take things a little too far. We all did. But now? Now I’m done. Done. I’ve reached my breaking point and I. Am. Through.
When this picture was shared on my Facebook with a girl chiming “omg soooo pretty,” I felt a vein in my temple throb.
It’s not because the hair isn’t pretty. It is. It’s a nice, fall reddish-blonde that I’ve used every few years when I want to feel different and slightly rebellious. No, what made me want to smash my computer into teeny tiny bits was the headline:
“Rose Gold” hair. It’s called rose gold hair. When the truth is? We know it’s red. Like, it’s red hair, guys. Maybe a brownish, blondish red. But in 20 years, our kids aren’t going to be running around with “rose gold” hair and talking about how they’re better than everyone else. Because rose gold hair is just a trendier red who isn’t basic enough to go blonde.
But it’s not even the horribly basic name that angers my soul. It’s the fact that I have sat back as hair “trend” after hair “trend” has flashed before my eyes and disturbed my insides. It’s not that they’re ugly. Well, not all of them. Some are outright hideous. No, it’s the fact that for the most part they’re just normal fucking hair colors with weird names that will never ever stick. And the rest of them are actually revolting excuses for color jobs and are in no way “trends.” And so before you think I’m (completely) unhinged, let’s take a little blast through the past of absolutely idiotic hair trends, shall we? Starting from the most normal to the most abnormal, here’s how we were supposed to fuck with our hair to be on brand.
Named after one of the best desserts of all time, “chocolate chip cookie hair” is so painfully basic it hurts. This hair does not deserve to be named after a delicious food. This hair does not deserve to be named anything special at all. Do you know what this hair is? It’s blonde. Or brown with highlights. Or it’s dirty blonde. Whichever of those three you want to pick, it’s the same color our moms and their moms have dyed their hair for ages when they wanted to feel a little more “girls just want to have fun”-ish.
3. Nude Hair
I almost don’t even want to discuss “nude hair.” Its defense is that it has both warm and cold tones which work for everyone. But do you want to know what it is? What it *really* is? It’s also blonde. It’s just fucking blonde. Sit down in a chair, tell your colorist your want blonde, and kindly stick the douche back up your vagina before you turn into one (also, don’t actually douche, that shit is bad for you).
We all remember this one. It started when Kylie turned her dark locks gray (or just donned a wig, I don’t know or care). But after that people apparently started dying their normal hair the literal color of death. The color that we’ll get naturally when our kids have kids and our uteruses start falling out of us like an inside out sock (seriously, this is a thing). But instead of just waiting for death to take the hair we loved so dearly, we decided to skip ahead 65 years and get it colored gray just to be way, way ahead of the times.
5. Gray Ombre
Taking the ugly style of ombre-ing dark hair and making it worse, the gray ombre isn’t a trend, it’s a mistake. Sure, it seems cool on Instagram, but the second you go home for the holidays your mom is going to cry and your dad ask if someone lit your hair on fire. Looking back, you’ll wonder why you dyed your perfect black hair a smokey mess, then you’ll remember — you did it for outdated social media likes.
6. Denim Hair
One step closer to hair hell, “denim hair” is the art of adding blue hues to dark hair. It’s ugly. It’s unnecessary. And I have literally never seen anyone with hair like this in real life. Ever.
7. Macaron Hair
And now, we enter the territory of dying your hair truly unnatural colors. It’s one thing to get a wig. Or put temporary chalk or whatever in your hair for a concert. Hell, you could even get a pink streak or dye the whole thing magenta after your boyfriend dumps you. But to call it a trend? Come on. That’s bullshit. The pastel hues aren’t fooling me, this is the hairstyle of a girl who just got dumped and needs more attention.
8. Mermaid Hair
Did we just see this trend? Yeah. We did. Because it’s exactly the same as the one before. And guess one? Neither of them is *actual* trends.
9. Tie Dye Hair
I have never seen this in my life. More than that, if I ever *did* see this in my life, I would immediately take a picture, throw it in a group chat, and talk shit before lighting a candle and saying a prayer for the poor girl’s locks. It’s not that it’s ugly (even though it obviously is). It’s that it looks like a mistake. Not just in the sense that no one should ever do this. It looks like an actual mistake. Like the dye got put on wrong by someone who clearly hated her. It’s not a trend. It’s a catastrophe.
10. Watermelon Hair
You know what watermelon is good for? Eating. Or turning into a fun, festive, alcohol keg. Or eating seductively by the pool when you’re “casually” trying to get the guy of your dreams to notice you. Do you know what it’s not good for? Hair inspiration. Few colors are uglier on hair than green. But shockingly by adding a vibrant red to it, it makes you look even more unhinged. Sure, it looks sort of cool in an Instagram picture, but after that? You have to live like that until it fades to an ugly pastel color and you have to spend months getting your hair back to your natural shade. But it was worth it to break 200 likes, right?
11. Glitter Roots
I have a theory about this one. Some girl, unfortunately, had dandruff but she didn’t realize it until right before she walked out of the door for an event. In a scramble, she decided to just dump a shit load of glitter on her roots to hide the flakey skin coming from her scalp. When people asked her if she needed to speak to a medical professional because she was obviously crazy she said no, that this was actually a trend. And boom. The glitter roots trend was created. Except I’ve never seen it. Not at a holiday party and not when I’ve been so drunk at a wedding that I threw up behind the open bar. Glitter roots don’t actually exist, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
12. Gold Leaf Hair
Remember at your formal when a girl showed up with gold foil on half of her head and you were like “holy shit that is so cute I’m going to do that every day of my life?” No. No you don’t remember because this didn’t fucking happen. This will never fucking happen. Get an updo like a normal person when you’re going to a fancy event and leave the gold for jewelry and digging.
13. Hair Stencils
This is just one big fat “nope” from me.
I’m not trying to tell people what to do with their heads. Honestly, who am I to say something is ugly? I wear yoga pants every day and don’t shower nearly enough. I’m not one to discuss beauty. But calling these “trends” and telling girls that these are “all the rage” is a total lie. Go dye your hair green for all I fucking care. Just stop trying to make these trends happen. They’re never going to happen. But actually now that I think about it, rose gold hair would look pretty good with my complexion….
Image via Shutterstock