Hannah Montana was officially pronounced dead as of June 19, 2013. The acclaimed Disney starlet was best known for her starring role in the popular series Hannah Montana. Hannah was just an average girl who wanted the best of both worlds. She wanted to live a regular life, while secretly working as an international pop star. She was known for her fun, upbeat pop songs, her terrible acting, and speaking as if she was constantly wearing a palate expander. Everybody loved her squeaky clean pop star image. She was everything, in a tweeny Disney star way.
This morning, Hannah was brutally murdered by her alter ego, Miley Cyrus. Miley had been on the brink of a mental breakdown for awhile. Some believe it started last year when she hacked off all of her beautiful hair with pieces of a shattered Hannah Montana CD. Since then, she has scared off her unbelievably hot fiancé, Liam Hemsworth, and has worked her hardest to destroy everything that brought her the fame she now revels in. In her most recent bout of mental instability, Miley hammered the final nail in Hannah’s coffin with the video for her new single, “We Can’t Stop.”
The song, which is mediocre at best, is supported by a video that depicts Cyrus engaging in questionable activities at a house party while shamelessly using product placement to promote both EOS lip balm and the Beats By Dr. Dre Pill portable speaker. She sings about dancing with Molly and lines in the bathroom, which we can all infer does not reference a girl named Molly and waiting to pee.
While many of us understand Cyrus’ need to shed her Disney star image, most others will agree Miley has murdered Hannah in the ultimate try-hard fashion — by groping females and living in a world where you get wasted and cut your fingers off so you can bleed Pepto Bismal. Not only is the world disturbed by the abrupt, unjust death of Hannah Montana, but society is on high alert that we may be dealing with a dangerous psychopath. After brutally killing Montana, there’s no telling what Miley may be capable of. She’s already wreaked havoc on her beautiful hair and has terrorized her perfect-on-paper engagement to the sixth hottest man in the world. Will she stop at nothing? She’s become a monster.
Miley’s disappointed her brother, her sister, her two half brothers, her half sister, and her divorced parents, who are presumably so distraught by the pain Miley has inflicted on them that they were forced to end their marriage. Loving Godmother Dolly Parton would no doubt look noticeably worried and distraught over the death of Hannah if it weren’t for all of the botox and cosmetic enhancement.
Montana leaves behind thousands of adoring fans who once revered the pop star, and even supported her early career post-Disney. Unfortunately, Cyrus has traumatized the American people too greatly with her latest exploits, and many fear that millions of fans will not be able to recover, even with years of therapy.
In lieu of donations, we ask that you donate money to Promises Rehabilitation Center, where Miley Cyrus will undoubtedly be admitted within the next year after realizing she has completely fallen off the deep end. If she has any hope of salvaging what was once a promising career, she needs to get her shit together and stop making weird, try-hard videos that cause people to fear for their lives rather than take her seriously as an artist.
Rest in peace, Hannah. I’ll shuffle in diagonal for you today.