Have you recently lost your shit? Do your friends or loved ones worry that you may have recently lost your shit? If you’ve answered, “yes” to either question, congratulations — admitting that your shit is missing is the first step to recovering said shit.
If you answered “no,” are you absolutely certain? Are you, perhaps, second-guessing yourself at this very second? Are you possibly ~unsure~ what missing shit looks like? It’s not pretty. But it sounds as though we may need to provide a few examples. You may soon find that you have indeed lost your shit, without even realizing it! If this turns out to be the case, try your best not to panic. Panicking about lost shit usually only leads to a greater loss of shit. Above all, don’t be too hard on yourself — everyone is guilty of losing their shit every once in a while. Except Snoop Dogg and the Queen of England, of course.
Let’s begin. Have you recently found yourself spending long hours researching wedding locations and cake flavors with no groom in sight? Do you often lose track of just how much wine you’ve consumed in a single sitting, only to become conscious of the two empty bottles perched on your countertop several hours too late? Have you lately found yourself compelled to comment on something online that directly conflicts with your own personal opinions, despite your input being pointless?
Do your friends have you muted on Twitter because you simply cannot stop sub-tweeting? Have you worn sunglasses indoors more than twice within the last one to three months? Do you know more about the Kardashian Klan (trademark pending) than you do about your own grandparents and/or aunts and uncles? If you answered, “yes” to any of these questions, it is possible, if not probable, that you have actually lost your shit. If you answered “no” to any of these questions, but were lying because you refuse to accept that your shit may have truly gone AWOL, then congratulations because you just played yourself.
Now. Once you have established that your shit is, in fact, gone, you can get down to the difficult business of finding it once again. Sure, you can print “Lost” flyers to pass out at the next frat party or 21 run, but the people who frequent these sort of events are often searching fruitlessly for their shit, as well. This is no help. You could also sit down for some self-reflection.
Ask yourself: where was the last time you saw your shit? Was it last week, before you walk-of-shamed at 12 p.m. on a Wednesday? Was it just before you aced your Chem final and went on a celebratory bender? Was it the last time you went on a sober date (two years ago)? In nine out of ten cases, figuring out the exact point at which you truly lost your shit is essential to proper recovery.
Licensed psychiatrists and unlicensed psychiatrists (also known as mothers) alike commonly refer to this search as the act of “getting your shit together.” Generally, re-collecting your shit is a fairly tedious process. It includes, but is not limited to, things like studying, rehydrating with liquids that have electrolytes, resisting the urge to tweet about your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, and other boring things like that.
Sure, from time to time it is important to re-gather your shit. Finding your shit and getting it back together after it has been lost leads to fun and cool prizes like avoiding an intervention, surprise money from your parents, and a higher GPA. However, most people realize at some point that having your shit together at all times is not very fun at all. These people are fun people. The true key to recovering your shit is simply never to lose it for too long. If you only let your shit out of your sight on an occasional basis (say, Thursday through Sunday and most holiday weekends, plus the occasional Tuesday), it will never stray too far and will be much easier to collect when you need to get it back together.
Good luck getting your shit together this week and next. You only really have a few weeks worth of opportunities to do so before the Fourth of July, when you will be overcome with the urge to consume large quantities of patriotic alcohol and colored Jell-O, while on a simultaneous quest for the perfect picture to Instagram. These two tasks combined will surely lead to a loss of shit once again. Alas, such is the circle of life.
As Matthew 10:39 says, “Lose your shit to find your shit”- or something like that. .