As much as we hate to admit it, most of us still want to find our perfect guy. Yeah sure, single life is fun, but Beyoncé lyrics and Lean In aside, you have to admit it would be nice to have a boy to willing to bring you Chipotle at 9 p.m. on a Tuesday and consistent dick that didn’t mind you skipping a few days of shaving. With those two things in mind (and what I can only assume to be other, less important perks), why are most of us still single? Maybe it’s because the exact qualities we look for in our perfect guy aren’t so great after all.
I don’t know how or where this became cool, but guys who ride motorcycles have been deemed universally badass, right? Perfect bad boy material, if you will. No. Wrong. Let me break it down for you: 90 percent of guys who ride motorcycles are obsessed with their motorcycles. They’ll spend their Friday nights working on “her,” they’ll have a weird, false sense of confidence (read: cockiness) they don’t live up to, and they probably own an ungodly amount of leather jackets. If you date a biker, get ready to see his #WCW Instas, only they won’t be about you – they’ll be about his other “baby.” Best case scenario, he offers you a ride in an attempt to impress you, but it’s more than likely he’s not used to the extra weight, and, god forbid, crashes his bike (with you on it).
Political Science/Finance Majors
Sure, sure, they look gorgeous in a suit. They know how to pick out a tie. They’ll increase your average number of Insta likes by at least 25% when you take them to formal – but that’s where the advantages end. Poli-sci and finance majors are a special breed: they seem like perfectly put together guys groomed for high-powered careers, and in a way, yeah, they are. But their jobs will always come first, and their smiles will always be fake. They can get you a dinner reservation at the fanciest restaurant in town, but be prepared to spend the entire time talking about the latest gridlock on Congress or dip in the stock market, not about important things (you, you and you).
If you didn’t already know, let me be the first to tell you that 99.9% of musicians don’t look like Adam Levine or Luke Bryan. The vast majority of them only play guitar, have consistently stringy, sweaty hair, and will earn an average a salary of $30K a year, for the rest of his life. If you want to avoid shitty bars and shitty gigs (and trust me, you’ll get sick of the word “gig” soon enough), avoid the self-proclaimed musician.
If you thought dating a student-athlete would be a good thing, I don’t blame you. Nice abs, team parties, and bragging rights are all part of the package, and with his stamina, you know you’ll never have to be on top during sex. Basically, dating an athlete is great – when he’s around. When his sport is in season, he’ll be traveling, at the gym, or even in team meetings. If you want a guy that’s only there for you occasionally, look for a FWB instead.
Huh. Maybe we should just stay single after all. .