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His Guide To Planning The Perfect Proposal

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As a woman in my early twenties, I dream about three things:

  1. Landing a job that will allow me to wear yoga pants, create my own hours, and receive awesome benefits that will, in turn, pay for any plastic surgery I see fit in the future.
  2. Getting a puppy that will not only accept, but love, wearing a bow tie.
  3. Finding a guy who will propose to me in the exact fashion I want.

Luckily, as a writer for a college humor website, I spend a good amount of time researching proposals. In no way is this a personal infatuation–it’s a civic duty to my fellow bachelorettes. In my tedious, grueling, emotionally taxing line of work, I have come across many fantastic–and fantastically painful–marriage proposals. After seeing countless examples of ways guys really shouldn’t propose, I started to wonder why I was being such a critical bitch, and if there was even a “right way” to propose that would make a woman happy.

The answer, of course, is yes.

After extensive research (read: watching “Bride Day” on TLC and crying) I am confident I have figured out the EXACT way a woman wants her soon-to-be forever #MCM to pop the question. Basically, it all comes down to a few key components:

The Perfect Location
The location is key. It sets the stage for the start of the happily ever after. If the location is shitty, the marriage will be shitty. The proposal needs to happen in a place that is special to the couple, but not special to every couple. It needs to be fancy but not stuffy, scenic but not bug-filled, and extremely well thought out. Also, make it a place with good lighting, because, you know, pictures.

The Perfect Ring
The ring. The symbol of an eternal bond. It’s a flashy piece of happiness that you can flaunt in front of your friends to make them jealous. However, the ring is tricky, and it needs to be approached with extreme caution. The problem is, most of us have had our dream ring in mind since we saw our first little blue box. We want the exact ring that we found on the Tiffany’s website years ago, but at the same time, we want our guy to pick out the ring HE thinks we’d like most. Which better be the ring we like most–AKA it’s a fucking test and he better get it right.

The Perfect Meal
I don’t want to seem basic, but I am. Food is important. Food is vital to life, love, and a lasting relationship. If I am about to experience THE moment every girl dreams of, I need to be sure that I am well fed and that my blood sugar isn’t low, because I don’t want to be THAT girl who swoons and faints to the ground (disclaimer: a part of me wants to be that girl, because attention). It doesn’t have to be a full-fledged meal, but if we’re provided with at least a snack or a giant cookie, we’re much more likely to agree to a lifetime of wifehood. Note that we do NOT want the perfect ring to be hidden in the food. First of all, gross. Second of all, we’re women, not fucking dogs. Don’t make us do tricks to get it. That’s what all of the blow jobs where for.

The Perfect Knee Drop
Getting down on one knee and giving a heartfelt speech is a must. Honestly, after we’ve gotten down on our knees and done heartfelt things for so long, it’s the least he can do.

The Perfect Man
But really, above everything else, we need the perfect man. He doesn’t have to have the body of Ryan Gosling or Bill Gates’s money. What he does need is a heart of gold, a sense of humor that will make us laugh when all we want to do is cry, and enough love to promise us a lifetime of devotion, making us food, and reassuring us that we’re pretty.

It’s actually not that hard. And if a puppy wearing a bow tie is thrown into the equation, there’s no way we’re saying no.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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