Today, as I avoided my responsibilities by browsing the deep pit that is YouTube, I came across this Buzzfeed video.
It’s cute, it’s sad, it’s realistic, but it’s kind of bullshit. At the end of the video the question “but what happens if none of them work?” is presented. As in, what happens if you try all 13 methods of falling in love, and all 13 of them turn out to be shit? Well I didn’t wake up this morning expecting to be a hero, yet here we are. Fear not Buzzfeed, because as someone who is truly awful at finding love, I have failed at all 13 ways. And I did so at the ripe old age of 21. What can I say? Some people just mature faster than others. Here they are in excruciating detail.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that by “chance encounter” they really mean “one-night stand.” Believe it or not, I have a few failed “chance encounter” experiences, but for time’s sake I’ll only describe the first one. His name was Mac, no known last name. Mac and I met hour two of a three-day EDM festival, and we hit it off immediately. He was in the service and his body showed it, he had southern charm and a matching drawl, and he was over a foot taller than me. Was I in love? You bet your ass I was, and we genuinely pretended we were going to make it work. But he went back to North Carolina, and my friends called me gross for being 19 with a 31-year-old boyfriend (did I mention he was 31?), so in the end it didn’t work out. He’s married now and has a kid. Y’all know where I’m at.
You know your girl has fucked around on Tinder. Imagine your typical “we matched, we fucked, we’re in a class together this semester and don’t make eye contact” and you have everything you need to know about my “relationship” with Chris. I can say I never loved him, but that’s because he was a sloppy kisser so I never could have anyway. Last week I asked him to send me notes when I missed class. He didn’t send them.
El oh el, we really going to go down this path, Buzzfeed? Stalking, obsessing, crying about how they don’t love you as much as you love them… check yes on all of that. Persistence didn’t get him to love me back, persistence got him to block my number and all of his friends to nickname me “psycho.” We’re on good terms now, I guess. But my number is still blocked.
Throwback to one of my first TSM articles entitled “I’m hooking up with my coworker and its kind of bomb.” So, update on that, hooking up with your coworker is NOT bomb. I repeat, don’t do it. It gets awkward and one of you needs to quit. With that being said, my new job is a lot better anyway and my boss is really hot, so maybe it did kind of work out in the end. Not the love part, but it didn’t completely fuck up my life as much as I thought it would.
Cheating Turned Real
Not proud of this one. I did actually fall in love with someone in a relationship, and it fucked me up the most. Moving on.
I wasn’t forced to marry anyone, but my mother did practically force me to go out with a guy when I was in seventh grade. I had the BIGGEST crush on him and his family were close friends with my family. Our parents agreed that it would be “so cute” to set us up on a chaperoned date. If you asked me at the time, he was my first true love. A few months later he was my first kiss. A few months after that he took my best friend to Spring Ball. Fuck that kid.
I’ve never been kidnapped, but I have trapped guys in relationships before. I have put my heart and soul into keeping a guy around long enough for him to develop Stockholm Syndrome, but I think I’m not doing it right. I know my manipulation skills are up to par, so that’s not the problem. But somehow every single time I get a “stop telling everyone we’re dating, you psycho bitch” instead of an “I love you” so clearly something is up.
Friends With Benefits
Yeah, I’ve got one of those. We’ve been hooking up for a little over a year. He doesn’t love me. I’ve asked.
Love At First Sight
I had love at first sight with pizza. I brought it home pretty frequently during my high school years. In college, things got serious. We practically moved in together. Even when I swore it off, without fail, I would call for it every time I got drunk. Then I gained like 8lbs of pure dough weight. I still love pizza, but it’s better for everyone involved if I close the door on that relationship.
High School Sweethearts
I had a high school sweetheart who I swear to God looked exactly like Kevin Jonas. You know, the one not hot Jonas brother. We dated for almost two years, he was abusive and an all around asshole. I dramatically threw the promise ring he bought me into the ocean when I broke up with him. Which was right before prom by the way, I took my best friend Anne instead. She was a better date than he could have ever been anyway.
Set Up By Friends
My friends have just as awful taste in guys as I do. As our lord and savior Samantha from SATC once said “it’s like the blind leading the blind.” My friends have set me up on dates. Some of said dates have been exactly my type and everything I’ve ever wanted. None of said dates are still chillin my life as of right now. I blame my friends entirely.
Reality TV Show
I haven’t personally been the Bachelorette, but I did put everything I had into the last season. I laughed, I cried, and I professed my love for Jordan a little too often. But then, you know, he picked Jojo over me. Which is fine. Like, whatever. I’m happy he’s happy, you know? I just wish he was mature enough to not throw it in my face. Besides, I heard he’s a cheater… so technically my hat is still in the ring.
My life is a constant state of grief. Case and point.
So what now? I dunno, Buzzfeed. Keep hoping for the best?