How To Be A Bitch And Get Away With It


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Nice Move


Recently, I have made the conscious decision to be more of a bitch, and I am having the time of my life. It’s a skill that I had not previously had. I was queen of the goody-two-shoes who was eager to make everyone like her. No toes stepped on, no feelings hurt, no harm, no foul. But as I grew older, I grew a thick exterior that has impacted my outlook on life in the most beneficial way. I still have a heart though, so I would like to share with my loyal readers how to be a bitch and get away with it.

1. Be Funny
The main reason I get away with being a raging bitch is because everyone thinks I’m kidding. Sometimes I am, but most of the time I just really wanted to say something rude to your face and found a way to do so without getting hit. I am very weak and I know that about myself (see point 3), so I have found a way to win a completely one-sided fight. Use funny sounding words and say them with half of a smirk that implies that you are joking, but do not break character. And never EVER say “just kidding.” That’s a sign of weakness.

2. Adopt an Irrational Confidence
Being completely and irrationally confident in everything that you do will be just as great as you have convinced yourself it will be. You must succumb to the delusion that you are superior to the entire human race. Everyone is moronic and you sneeze rainbows. There is nothing you can’t do, and if you can’t do it, it’s not worth your time trying. Walk with your head held high and your standards impossibly higher, and all of the problems of the drooling plebeians around you will fall to the side so you can worry about more important things. Like yourself.

3. Be Aggressively Self-Aware
Along with you irrational confidence, you gotta own what you got. I’m a hard 7 with a soft 10 personality and I fucking OWN IT. I know that I have math teacher arms and my legs just go all the way up my back without any hint of a booty, but I know that. No one else can tell me something I don’t already know, and therefore they can’t bring me down.

• “Hey you drive like a crazy person.”
I’m from New Jersey. It’s in my blood.

• “Whoa, you’re like an Amazon woman in heels.”
I know I’m tall. It’s in my blood.

• “Your parents will never fully approve of the articles you write.”
Yeah…well…they’re my blood? You know what, do me a favor and GTFO.

4. Wear Lipstick
Lipstick says, “Read my lips: fuck you.” Something about the perfect shade of plum lipstick makes you look magnificently merciless. Practice turning up just the very corners of your mouth to give off a constant “so what” expression that highlights the shit out of your cheekbones. A girl wearing lipstick put that much time into her look, so she is not there to dick around. Look good and be bad.

Would I steer you bitches wrong?

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to or by smoke signal.

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