According to literally any source on the internet, the number one New Year’s resolution for people in 2017 is to lose weight. The struggle is actually sticking to the whole #FitLifestyle. And there’s always that skinny bitch Taylor who makes you feel even worse by always boasting about her kale salad and how much she can squat. (We get it, Taylor. You have a hot bod.) Unfortunately, there’s always that small part of you that deep down is jealous of girls like her. So if you want to at the very least make people proud of you for (doing literally nothing) taking better care of yourself in the new year, there are only five easy steps to becoming a “new you.”
Step One: Purchase Expensive Workout Gear And Wear It 24/7.
You already wear Norts and yoga pants regularly. Now all you have to do is spend a little more moolah on the same clothing that Instagram fitness models wear. Once you buy attire that screams “I go to the gym twice a day,” all you have to do is wear it everywhere so people conclude you are either headed to the gym or just left. The benefit here is that you don’t actually have to get sweaty or touch a dumbbell. People just assume you are a regular gym-goer because you own nice exercise gear.
Step Two: Order Salads When You Go Out To Eat
Have you ever noticed how the only people who order salads as their main dish at restaurants are either on a diet or actually give a shit about their health year round? Most of us just order pasta or quesadillas, but never a salad except as a side dish. So if you order a salad, your friends will think your vegetable intake is one of your top priorities. However, restaurants also give you salads prior to your actual meal, which is what you are going to do in this step. You will order the salad in front of people and then go home to chow down on some food that will clog your arteries.
Step Three: Create A Workout Playlist And Jam Out To It When With Your Buddies
“OMG I love this song! I listen to it all the time when I work out!” And by this you mean you drunkenly grind your ass against a guy’s erection when the song comes on in a nightclub. Dancing is cardio, right? Your exercise playlist just also happens to be all of the songs you want to hear when you are inebriated. It’s not really lying when you brag about doing cardio to this playlist because technically you are doing physical activity when the songs come on, just not when the songs are playing off of your phone.
Step Four: Use Fancy Health Terms Daily
If you sound like you know what you are talking about, people will be quick to trust you are credible in the subject of discussion. Tell everyone all about how you prefer to do calisthenics because lifting weights isn’t as beneficial as using your own body weight. Really you just don’t like touching weights, but at least you sound legit. Or you can tell people about your cool down routine, which actually just happens to be your exercise too. Maybe drink more Gatorade and explain to people that you need more electrolytes because how much you sweat when you do cross training. Your cross training workout is actually just a variety of speeds and positions when you get in bed with your slam. Certain health terminology will trick people into thinking you are serious about this whole “getting in shape” nonsense. Extra points if you post about it on social media.
Step Five: Say You Can’t Go Out Because You Have Plans With Your New Workout Buddy
By this stage it won’t come as much of a surprise to the world that you are putting your health obsession first. Now you have an excuse to stay in if it’s just one of those nights that you don’t feel like stumbling around the bar in wedges trying to find your crew. Nobody needs to know that your new workout friend’s name is Netflix..