- Image via Associated Press
Well, surprise, surprise, Taylor Swift has recently been dumped. The most recent culprit of T Swizzle’s heartbreak is Harry Styles, member of the British boy band “One Direction.” Apparently, the two got in a massive fight while they were vacationing, and Harry opted to spend the rest of his trip in the Virgin Islands partying in a hot tub with a variety of bikini-clad females, while Taylor took a solo boat trip home. I know. This is awesome. Anyway, while it’s still unclear to me how America keeps viewing Swift as a great role model, despite the fact she’s been linked to at least 17 guys in the past two years, one thing is for sure: while she might know how to get a boyfriend, home girl sure as hell does not know how to keep one. For your convenience, I’ve developed a cautionary step-by-step on how to date like Taylor, so you can do the opposite.
Step 1: Come Across as Weak, Vulnerable and Desperate
Yammering on for a million hours about how desperately you want to fall in love is an easy way to become an easy lay. Newsflash: real life isn’t The Bachelor. You’re not having an “intense, instant connection” with the first guy savvy enough to realize that if he poses as the ultimate romantic, he’ll be able to exploit your obvious desperation for his benefit.
Step 2: Confuse Penetration with an Emotional Connection
It’s all too simple to assume that just because a guy is interested in parts of you, he’s interested in you as a whole. We all know that everybody makes mistakes, and some mistakes come in the form of the half-naked Beta lying next to you when you wake up on Thursday morning. I’m not exactly condoning sleeping around, but sometimes, hookups happen, and it’s important to realize that not every FWB is a potential boyfriend. Every girl should be able to recognize that some guys are worth dating, and some are only worth sleeping with. Taylor clearly has no idea how to tell the difference between the two, or that the difference even exists.
Step 3: Fall Hard, Fall Fast
If you want to be like Taylor, you need to become a stage 5 clinger by stage 3 of your “relationship.” As soon as you have his number, text him constantly. Never stop using “us” and “we.” Make sure everyone knows you’re in a relationship. In reality, it will freak anyone, guy or girl, out, when a relationship is moving too quickly. It’s not fun to be serious with someone before you’ve bothered to get to know each other.
Step 4: Buy Property Near Him
The best way to say “I’m committed” is to buy a house across the street from his family’s estate, or to buy a London flat in the same neighborhood as your new man’s childhood home. No, I’m serious, good old Taylor has done both of these things to guys she was dating for under three months. Psycho.
Step 5: Brace Yourself for the Breakup
It seems that as soon as Taylor and whichever man she’s banging hit the point in the relationship where they’ve actually gotten to know each other, she winds up single again. My guess is that she doesn’t give blowjobs, and has a terrible personality, but again, that’s just a guess. Either way, if you’ve been in a relationship for a few months and you’re Taylor, the days of said relationship are numbered. Get ready, because the end is near.
Step 6: Seek Pity from EVERYONE
Nothing says, “I don’t have my shit together,” and “unstable,” like telling everyone about your most recent breakup…in detail…incessantly. After every single breakup, Taylor is the queen of voicing her heartbreak to Ellen, and sending Tweets hinting at her new single-dom. FYI, you’re supposed to stand strong as a rock when faced with heartbreak, not act the part of the disastrous mess you secretly are on the inside.
Step 7: Get “Revenge” by Writing a Stupid Song About Your Heartbreak
I’m sure it’s very cathartic and therapeutic for Taylor to voice her frustrations with her failed endeavors in love, but it’s actually really lame and tacky to put your ex boyfriend’s shortcomings, as well as your own, on blast for the entire world to scrutinize. Also, Taylor has basically re-written her first hit single twelve thousand times at this point. When she writes a song, it’s like she plays Mad–Libs. She only needs new nouns and verbs to describe her most recent relationship’s ending, because they’re all essentially the same.
Step 8: Repeat, repeat, repeat.
And be prepared to die alone.
It’s really that’ simple.