So you just got dumped. Or your mom/aunt/grandma won’t stop asking when you’re going to find a nice young man and settle down. Or your best friend just got engaged and you’re feeling the heat. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if you could do what you did back in elementary school days — tell everyone you totally have a boyfriend; you met him at summer camp but he’s from Canada so he can’t ever come visit? Unfortunately, we’re living in the age of social media and phones with cameras, when every mention of a boy is met with high-pitched requests for pictures. So what’s a girl to do?
Here’s a suggestion: take a page out of Taylor Swift’s book and fake a relationship. We both know you already copied her cute lob and her #squad and her inflatable swan Instas, so copy this too. Taytay has it figured out: why come out of your breakup looking like a sad spinster who can’t keep a man, when you can start dating someone even cuter instead? And by dating, I mean “dating” — your fragile little heart is way too delicate to get involved in something real right now. Stick to sleeping with that guy who’s had a crush on you for months. There’s no rebound like a rebound who will send you pathetic texts for the next 12 to 15 weeks!
Taylor has Tom Hiddleston: a way-cute guy who is happy to get photographed with her all over the globe. Maybe a little too happy to get photographed with her, actually. So you need your own low-budget Tom: someone who’s down to appear on your Instagram feed and a couple Facebook photos too. Maybe he could comment a heart emoji on a picture (the regular-girl equivalent of Tom’s “I Love T.S.” tank top). It has to be someone cute enough to impress your friends and your ex/mom/sister, but it SHOULD NOT actually be someone you secretly want to sleep with or who secretly wants to sleep with you. The path to love is not paved with trickery and deceit. Okay, sometimes it is, but it’s still a bad idea.
The ideal candidate here is that guy BFF that all your female friends tell you is super hot, but you’re just not feeling it. This guy has to be someone you can trust with your life or at least your social media presence. If you get caught faking a relationship, you’re through. Unless you can convince everyone it was performance art, in which case you’re ready for art school, baby!
Keep this going for just long enough to convince everyone you’re a functioning adult human being with a successful romantic life, which will be between 2 and 6 months depending on how hot of a mess you are in your day-to-day life. There’s no need to make a formal relationship announcement. In fact, that could be fatal. If anybody asks if you and your Tom are dating, just giggle coyly and refuse to comment. Plausible deniability is the name of the game. But trust me: enough color-coordinated outfits, cutesy photos and social media interaction will lay the bitter seeds of jealousy in the hearts of your doubters.
My mother always told me to fake it ‘til I make it. She might not have meant that I employ a co-ordinated campaign of deceit to destroy my haters, but I think she’d be proud of me if she knew. Not that I’m going to tell her. If she asks who that cute boy is that I keep taking pictures with, I’m going to take my cues from Taylor Swift and just keep smiling. .