With spring break right around the corner, I’ve spent the last couple of weeks shoveling various vegetables into my mouth and taking enough selfies at the gym to feel superior about my ~fitness~ regime.
I haven’t really seen any results, mostly due to the fact that I make up for my negative caloric count by consuming enough alcohol to take down a fifth-year fraternity brother every weekend, but I have learned a couple of simple tricks to getting your dream body.
1. Replace Bad Foods With Good
While it may seem impossible to change your diet, just start replacing bad foods with other, healthier foods. Instead of having six McDonald’s hashbrowns when you’re hungover, just have four and a glass of orange juice. Your body will thank you!
2. Drink Wine Before Bed
Science, our best frenemy, has just proven that wine before bed makes you skinny, so forgo the glass and just down the bottle before bed. It’s for your health, after all.
3. Wear Heels To The Bar
There is only one reason to ever wear heels, and it starts and ends with ass. Nothing gives you the lift and shape you want quite like a pair of heels, and everyone knows the longer you wear them, the more likely it is for your ass will continue to magically retain that shape once you take them off. All you have to do is slip on your tallest shoes, teeter to the bar and do not take them off. If you want to add some cardio, make sure to complain loudly to anyone who will listen about how much your feet hurt.
If you’re like me, crying is not some sweet, dainty activity. My tears are never going to convince someone to gently wipe my eyes while we stand in the rain. My tears can put even Kim’s crying face to shame. It’s truly a full body workout. It requires deep breathing, uses facial and abdominal muscles I wasn’t aware I had, and stretches the arms from lifting hundreds of tissues to wipe my eyes, nose, and snot.
5. Fight The Girl Who Has Been Looking At Your Boyfriend A Little Too Long
I’m not saying that she’s trying to steal him away, but… nobody wears that much makeup to just to see a friend. When she gets what is coming and you start screaming at her, don’t let your boyfriend talk you down from it. Trip her, hit her with your purse, throw a drink at her, whatever you prefer. Everyone knows that kickboxing is a great way to keep it tight!
6. Give Up
They say good things happen when you least expect it, so just completely stop trying and let the world give you what you so rightly deserve: a Khloe Kardashian ass, Michelle Obama arms and Britney’s abs, circa 2004.
And if none of that works, maybe go to the gym. Maybe..