Dear Sorority Members,
It’s your beloved president here. The queen of getting you in trouble and sending you home because you’re too drunk and an embarrassment. And I’m not sorry for it. I don’t care if you’re salty. I don’t care what you have to say about me. Because when you fuck up, it’s my name that signs the legal documents, gets Googled for interviews, and gets in trouble with the university. But I’m not looking to kick you out. You’re still my sister and I want you in the chapter (also, I don’t want to have to recruit more PNMs to fill your empty spot). In honor of all of the sorority presidents out there, I’m going to tell you exactly how you can get kicked out of your sorority since you always say we’re out to get you.
1. Don’t pay the dues that you signed a contract saying you would pay.
We want you gone so bad that we’re erasing your brain every time you make an effort to pay your dues. Wait, what’s that? You don’t make the effort? Yeah, we can see your balance. We know.
2. Make really shitty grades.
Remember when you went through recruitment and we made a really big deal about how important academics are to us, and how they’re one of our key values? Yeah, obviously we exaggerated. But we do really care about having the highest campus GPA, beating non-Greeks, and being actually successful. I don’t work for a 4.0 because it’s fun, but because, you know, we’re in college.
3. Completely disrespect the Code of Conduct over and over.
Break a rule, shame on you. Break the rule seven times, get called into standards, and serve probation more than once for it? Shame on me for letting you disgrace our chapter so many times. You get your warnings, you get your boring probations. If you can’t follow the rules, you can’t be in a sorority. Don’t forget you signed a contract for this, too.
4. Not show up. To anything.
I feel like basically every sorority out there ever has a system that makes sure you’re actively participating in the chapter. Most of them don’t even require you to do many things – usually just show up to chapter, recruitment, and philanthropy events. That’s like, maybe 5 obligations a month? Sorry that we’re strapping you to your bed or the bar or whatever the hell you’re doing so that you can’t show up to anything and have to leave the chapter. We care that much.
5. Break the fucking law.
City, State, or Federal, we actually don’t care. Some we pass over because we totally break them, too (spring break in New Orleans has its own laws), but some are just too dumb or obvious to pass up. Especially when they make us look bad. Just be a decent human being a don’t do it, and I promise I won’t make sure you get caught underage drinking so that I can kick you out.
Honestly, if you didn’t already know this list, I can’t believe you’re in a sorority. Before you join, your recruitment counselors make sure you know that we have these standards. Hell, you probably convinced your parents to let you rush because of these standards. When you do join, you sign a shit ton of paperwork, saying you know we have these standards. And guess what? When you can’t keep up with the pack, you can’t party with the pack. No more cute costumes at Date Dash for you, Susie Sorority, because you bought concert tickets instead of paying your dues for the fourth month in a row.
Now you know. Again. .