Columns

How To Give A Blow Job Without Wanting To Die

Blow

Ah, blow jobs. The key to getting pretty much anything you could ever want in the world. In a relationship with a real live human male, the secret to making him happy is pretty simple. Let him watch football on Sundays. Make him the occasional sandwich (I know, I know. But seriously, guys eat that shit up. Pun totally intended). And give blow jobs. I’m not saying all the time, and I’m not saying always to completion (I’m not a monster). But if visions of him dropping to his knees dance in your head, you need to be willing to drop to yours first. That’s just how it goes.

Unfortunately, for most human women, the thought of sucking on a human man’s penis is less than appealing. So here are some secrets to not only giving a great blowy, but also not wanting to die while you do it. Once you master this, the wedding bells wont be far off.

Find The Perfect Postion

Position is key. Laying on top of him like a beached whale will make you feel as sexy as, well, a beached whale. And being in positions that highlight your rolls won’t exactly make you feel like a sex goddess. Consider having him sit on a chair or couch (put towels down first. Trust) and kneel from there. This way, your stomach is hidden but your ass is in sight. Win-win. Double points if you include a mirror so he can watch your backside as your front side does the work. Sure, it sounds crass, but when he finishes in record time, and you’re happily eating pizza and being told to pick the movie, you’ll thank me.

Be Handsy

If you’re not using your hands, you’re wrong. Think of them as little cheat-sheets. They let you do less while making it seem like you’re doing more. He’ll think you know what you’re doing, and you’ll be able to talk tomorrow without feeling your whole jaw cramp up.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Just breathe through your mouth. Moans, gasps, and panting help. Whatever you do, do not breathe through your nose. I repeat: do not breathe through your nose.

Eye Contact Is Key

Eye contact does a lot. It makes him feel like he’s in a porn (which is a good thing, oddly enough). It makes him get there faster. And it makes it pretty much impossible for him to think about anyone else. And the way he’s looking at you? You know, like you’re a complete sexpot and he’s never seen anything so damn hot in his entire life? Yeah, that shit might actually make this whole mess worth it.

Lubricate Like Your Life Depends On It

If you don’t feel like you’re lowkey drowning by the end of it, you didn’t use enough.

Be Selfish

The best kind of blow jay is one where everyone is having fun. Which sounds insane. But try using a vibrator or rubbing around on some household object while you go to town on him. The more you look like you’re enjoying it, the more carats he’ll buy you come engagement day, or something like that.

Time That Shit

Sometimes fearing the blow job means fearing the outcome. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Make sure to tell him to always warn you as he’s getting close. Maybe give him a few minutes of tongue action, then switch over to old school vag. Maybe blindfold him, lick your hand, and pretend it’s your mouth. Whatever route you choose, just know that you don’t have to wait until the end to pull it out of your mouth. I know they say spitters are quitters, but who says you need to end with it in your mouth at all? I say quit before you spit.

Personal Feeling

Before taking a trip to pube-ville, take a second to evaluate yourself. How do you feel? It sounds dumb, but if you go into it feeling bad, this whole thing could backfire. Have you avoided brushing your hair for days? Been wearing the same old granny panties the entire weekend? Are you confident that the grease from the pizza you had for lunch went directly to your pores? If you’re not feeling sexy, the blow job won’t feel sexy. And nothing is sadder than an unsexy blow job. Press pause on the whole thing, and do whatever it takes to feel confident, sexy, and ready. Or run away and never come back. Either works.

Attitude Adjustment

And finally, and this is a big one, try to have a good attitude. No one wants to be with someone who hates going down on them. I’m sorry. I’m pretty sure it was once a wedding vow, but was taken out last minute due to the PG rating cap at all weddings. Instead of looking at blow jobs as a chore, look at them as an opportunity. An opportunity for your boyfriend to brag about you to his friends at poker night, to make him forget about his ex who you always sort of hate, and for him to spend just a little bit more on your Christmas presents.

And if all else fails, just tell him you have a nut allergy. May the oral odds be ever in your favor.

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

9 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More