How To Lose A Friend In 10 Ways


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Nice Move

how to lose a friend

You’re never gonna like everyone, and in my case, it’s rare to like a lot of people. However, you always find those people who you can’t live without. The girls you can talk shit with about that bitch everyone else loves, the girls you know will always be outside that boy’s house at 7 a.m. screaming “SHACKER!” with their Snapchat camera rolling, the girls that are there when you’re pregaming and there when you’re vomiting three hours later, the girls that will go with you to brunch and to buy plan B. Friends are the family we choose because God forbid our mother ever see us in the state they have.

However, sometimes even the most logical people allow shitty people to infiltrate their inner circle. We’ve all fallen victim to that backstabbing, lying bitch before. Lauren Conrad and Heidi, The Kardashians and Blac Chyna, you and She Who Must Not Be Named.

In case you’ve gotten yourself in one of those awkward friendship breakups more times than not: it’s time to come to terms, it’s you, not them. I dumbed it down so you can see the error of your ways.

1. You use people.

I’m still trying to break the cycle of letting that stupid fuckboy use me, I shouldn’t have to worry about one of my “best friends” doing it too. Friends are not tools or accessories that you can discard when they’re not a convenience. One day they’ll realize what an inconvenience you are and drop you faster than you can find the words to subtweet them.

2. You don’t practice what you preach.

Don’t expect people to treat you any different than you treat them. You slept with that boy who was the first guy your friend went home with in college? Don’t get mad when one of your friends starts texting one of your former late night honeys.

3. You blatantly ignore your so-called “squad.”

I get it. Sometimes I don’t reply to Samantha’s meme or I don’t open Lauren’s message for a few hours. But repeatedly ignoring your friends when they need something or after they help you with your own “problem” is just fucking rude. I’d honestly rather you just tell me to fuck off then insult my intelligence with the “I never got your message!!” lie. That kind of behavior won’t be tolerated and I’ll start ignoring your “can you come with me to get tested for chlamydia this weekend???” texts.

4. You pick boys over your friends.

Don’t be that girl. I know the opposite sex is super fun and maybe hanging out with males is still a new concept for you. But your friends won’t leak your nudes one day, so prioritize.

5. You have an obnoxious need to outdo, outshine and compete with your friends.

Chill out, Courtney. This is not survival of the fittest, it’s just a friendly conversation at lunch. If you’re that girl who constantly feels the need to one-up all her friends, just know that everyone hates you.

6. You run your mouth about your “friend” to your other friends.

Venting is healthy — being a two faced bitch is not. Save your nasty remarks for your diary or subtweet like the rest of us.

7. You befriended the enemy and you keep “slipping up” about what your friend said about her.

This isn’t middle school, you can be friends with the girl one of your friends’ doesn’t like (unless she slept with one of their boyfriends. in that case, you can be carried to the stake as well). However, do you think it really takes the Mystery Machine and Scooby on the case to figure out who told The Enemy what was said about her at wine night? I can put two and two together and figure out four ways I can make you cry next time you decide to be a double spy.

8. You betray your friend’s trust.

I don’t throw in your face that you’re always on your knees, so don’t use a low blow to try and hurt me. It’s not even girl code to not hurt someone with something they told you in secret, it’s just being a good fucking person. A fight will pass, but don’t think she’s gonna forget that time you blamed her blackout flirting with your crush on her string of daddy issues.

9. You pit two friends against each other when they’re on the outs.

Save that scheming for the girl who your hookup used to date, not the friend you’re jealous of because of her relationship with your mutual friend.

10. You spread a rumor or lies about your “friend.”

Maybe you start rumors because you’re trying to make yourself look better, or maybe it’s jealousy: But regardless of whatever caused you to make up something horrible about your friend, it’s still fucked up. That kinda shit will have you voted off the island. Do you hear the door? It just slammed behind you. Or was that the doorbell? Ding dong, the witch is d..onezo (dead is a harsh word).

So what I’m saying is we all have a little bit of excessive bitchiness in us. It’s the estrogen and years of men treating us like shit. However, channel that shit towards the dumb slut that sent you to standards instead of I don’t know, your “friend”?

Hell hath no fury like a scorned friend.


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