We’ve all seen How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, and just like every rom-com, it’s completely unrealistic. 10 days? That’s child’s play. It’s a piece of cake to lose a guy in a mere 10 hours.
Friday, 5:00 p.m.: You’re out to dinner with your roommate, and who walks in but that cute guy that you always see out. What’s his name? John? Jake? Tyler? Something basic. Luckily you put some dry shampoo in your hair because he’s coming over to your table! You guys talk for a few minutes, and he asks if you’re going out tonight. Um, duh. He asks for your number so he can “hit you up later.” It is so on. Time starts now.
6:00 pm.: You get a text from Andrew (you were so off with his name). His frat is having a pregame tonight. What an incredible coincidence. Hit him back with a “see you there babe ;).” Not an emoji. Use “;)” like some sort of sociopath. Give him a tiny hint that something about you is a little off.
7:00 p.m.: Add Andrew on Snapchat. Not sure why you haven’t done this sooner. Snap him 4 consecutive selfies with no caption. The more MySpace-y the better. Angle above your head, look away from the camera as hard as you can, and grimace like your life depends on it. And if you don’t throw a GD peace sign, then are you even trying?
8:00 p.m.: Use this time to create your aesthetic. Make your clothes say “Little House on the Prairie” and your makeup say “really fucking scary.” From the neck down, dress in the most homely outfit you can find. We’re talking floor length skirt with one of those sweaters that has the fake button ups under it. Then make it look like a Sephora assaulted you. You know the Snapchat filter with the blue eyeshadow and purple lipstick? Use that as a jumping off point. The more it clashes with your outfit, the better.
9:00 p.m.: Show up alone and wayyyy early. Not like “on time” early. Stupid early. People are still in the shower early. “Do you know what time it is?” early. Knock on the door without sending a courtesy text. Specify that you are there for Andrew. Upon seeing him, wrap your arms around him and sway like one of those Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Men that are outside of car dealerships. Introduce yourself to Andrew’s brothers as his “friend” with air quotes. Sit on the couch while everyone finishes getting ready and just stare at the wall.
10:00 p.m.: Blackout and dance like a music video ho. If everyone isn’t worried about you having a major wardrobe malfunction, you are doing it wrong. Stand up on a couch, or for the more advanced, a swivel chair, and bust out your best cage dancer moves. Wink at Andrew every time he looks at you. Which is often, because everyone is staring at the human train wreck that you are.
11:00 p.m.: Guests are starting to arrive, which means you have to work extra hard to capture Andrew’s attention while also making him physically ill at the sight of you. This seems like a good time slide down the banister of the house screaming “COLLEEEEEEEEEGE!!!!!” Then, make sure everyone readies their Snapchats and do it a second time, but this round, I’m going to need to you fall off halfway down. Refuse help from anyone except for Andrew. Insist that he helps you in your “time of need.”
Saturday, 12:00 a.m.: Turn into a pumpkin. JK. Just start full body sobbing because you think you are going to turn into a pumpkin. Make sure your hooker makeup runs down your entire face. Make a sudden recovery and drag Andrew out on to the dance floor and face him as you half grind, half hump his leg, making the heaviest eye contact possible. When he looks away, grab him by both cheeks and make him stare at you back. Then announce loudly that you need to “make a peeps” and make him pinky promise that he’ll find you after you’re done.
1:00 am.: Come barreling out of the bathroom and warn everyone to “give it a few minutes to simmer” and then shoot them finger guns. Search the house for Andrew, who vacated the premises as soon as you were out of sight.
2:00 a.m.: After sending Andrew twelve texts, leaving him four voicemails, calling all of his friends, and requesting him on Find My Friends, it’s pretty certain that you will never be hearing from him again.
Whew, that was a close one, but you lost him. Great job! You are a natural..