How To: Not Get Pregnant


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  1. Never go out in the sun.
    Vitamin D plus getting some D could equal a baby. Plus if you avoid tanning people most likely won’t want to have sex with you (JK. Sort of), so it makes sense. 
  2. Never wear a pushup bra.
    Guys instantly think that you have a giant rack and therefore want to make sweet love to you. Sports bras or GTFO.
  3. Drink as much coffee as humanly possible, and then some.
    Five or more cups a day could keep an infant away!
  4. Practice natural beauty.
    The chemicals in the products might be bad or something, but best of all, no men will want to talk to you when you look like a “before” picture.
  5. Make him balance his laptop on his knees at. all. times.
    More heat near his balls means less sperm in your baby maker.
  6. And make sure he keeps his legs closed.
    Basically an impossible feat, but worth the shot.
  7. Talk about how much you want to have babies.
    Chances are, he wont want to risk having sex with a baby-crazed bitch.
  8. Cling wrap everything.
    No I don’t mean his penis (except hey, it could work). Apparently the stuff is bad for your food, which could be bad for reproductivity, which could be great for you.
  9. Don’t orgasm (and if you do, do it before he does).
    Either do it before or forty-five minutes after. But considering how few guys can actually get us there, not orgasming shouldn’t really be a problem.
  10. Text him as much as possible.
    The triple text is like a ready-made birth control. 
  11. Especially at night.
    The artificial light decreases fertility, not to mention the multiple late night texts just reeks of desperation.
  12. Smoke.
    Smokes cigs. Smoke weed. Smoke drugs. They’re all horrible for you, your fertility, and your future. So puff, puff, pass on having a baby, amiright? 
  13. Talk about the Kardashians.
    They’re basically an instant guy repellant. 
  14. Say goodbye to healthy food, and hello to junk.
    Want that doughnut? Dying for some fries. Need cheese on everything and need it now? The more junk you eat, the more your body will hate you, and the less chances of it deciding that you’re a “fit” mother.
  15. And don’t even think about going to the gym.
    Do you know what happens if you have good cholesterol, a healthy metabolism, and an active lifestyle? Babies. Babies happen.
  16. Tell him that you feel like you’re ready to settle down.
    Trust me, he’s not. Works like a charm.
  17. Get drunk and get drunk often.
    Not only is alcohol bad for babies, but it’s bad for making babies. So yes, you will have another shot or five.
  18. Don’t be “normal” sized.
    If you’re underweight or overweight you chances of being a mom go down. The more unhealthy you are, the better.
  19. Eat all of the carbs.
    White starches are not only delicious, but they raise your blood sugar and decrease fertility. All carb diet, anyone?
  20. Don’t let the love juices hang out inside of you.
    This isn’t the best way to avoid pregnancy but hey, the less sperm in the less likely they’ll meet your eggs. Jump around, wiggle it out of you, and make sure your pelvis is above your feet to let gravity do its thing.
  21. Post a lot of selfies.
    The more selfies, the fewer guys text you, decreasing your chances of becoming with child. It’s science.  
  22. Don’t have sex.
    LOL. Just kidding.


[via Daily Mail, Yahoo, Mirror]

Image via Youtube

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to:

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