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How To Plan The Most Perfect Birthday Celebration

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It’s a pretty widely accepted fact that the most important event in a girl’s life is her (first) wedding. As such, there are tons of resources available to help plan that big day, with everything from magazines to websites to actual planners. But what about the second most important day in a girl’s life? We are, of course, talking about her birthday. This annual event is even more important in milestone years: 18, 21, and every age that ends in 0 and 5. So, in an effort to help everyone plan for the big day this year, we’ve taken a wedding planning staple–the timeline checklist–and adapted it for all your birthday planning needs.

12 MONTHS TO GO
Sleep off the previous night’s birthday celebration.
Vow that no birthday could ever be as awesome as this last one.
Immediately start thinking of ideas to try and top it next year.

10 MONTHS TO GO
Check what day of the week your birthday lands on this year. Relieved it’s a Saturday.
Casually tell your friends that they better be around that day or you’re breaking up with them.

8 MONTHS TO GO
Begin a diet/workout regime.
Start your “Things I Want For My Birthday :)” Pinterest board.

6 MONTHS TO GO
Remind everyone on your half-birthday that “My birthday is only six months away! Better start getting ready! Haha!”
You’re not joking.

5 MONTHS TO GO
Restart diet/workout regime.
Start Pinterest board for possible outfits and haircuts.

4 MONTHS TO GO
Begin ordering potential outfits online.
Subtly share your “Things I Want For My Birthday :)” Pinterest board with friends.

3 MONTHS TO GO
Restart diet/workout regime.
Make a list of potential locations.
Spend next four Saturday nights going to each location, one by one.

2 MONTHS TO GO
Restart diet/workout regime.
Become a regular at selected party location and make friends with bartenders and bouncers–this will come in handy on party night when someone (likely you) acts like an asshole.
Write out preliminary invitation list.
Request off from work for the day before and two days after the party.

1 MONTH TO GO
Create Facebook invitation.
Revise invitation list to remove those bitches you aren’t talking to anymore and the dudes you hooked up with that you don’t want to see again.
Add dudes you would like to hook up with.
Set aside two hours to decide upon the perfect picture of yourself for the invitation.

2 WEEKS TO GO
Narrow outfit selections from the 20 you’ve purchased down to four.
Send selfies to your five best friends of the final four possible outfits.
Take vote.
Ignore their advice and pick the outfit you wanted all along.

1 WEEK TO GO
Break in new shoes by wearing them for one hour each day.
Tell everyone what the hashtag for the night is.
Schedule mani-pedi for day of.
Get a haircut and highlights.

DAY BEFORE
Check bank account balance to make sure there is enough money for Ubers, bottle service, bail money, etc.
Call parents if more money is needed.

DAY OF
Get a mani-pedi.
Pack going out bag with essentials: license, credit card, mints, makeup, comb, phone charger, condoms.
Ignore “Happy Birthday!” texts/Facebook messages so you can feel popular when you look at the number of notifications on your phone.
Stock bedside table with water, aspirin, and a candy bar for when you get home.
IT’S PARTY TIME, BITCHES!

DAY AFTER
Try to find the heels you abandoned at some point during the evening.
Use your friends’ Instagrams and their hashtags to try to piece together the night’s events.
Start sending apology texts as necessary.
Begin planning for next year.

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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