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How To Seriously Take Down Your Nemesis

How To Seriously Take Down Your Nemesis

That bitch. That fucking cunt. That psychopath has finally crossed the line, and you are SO over it. She has played Sherlock Hoe one too many times interfering in your life. This shithead has to know everything about you just to turn it against it you. She has to steal your man, and worse your friends. This bitch made a fucking A when you made a B. SHE POSTED AN UGLY GROUP PICTURE OF YOU ON INSTAGRAM.

What you need to do is destroy her. You need to psychologically, socially, and physically take her down. And no. Yelling, “SUCK MY ASS” every time she makes some snarky comment to you isn’t going to do it. So here’s the playbook. Follow these guidelines, and your nemesis is ruined.

Learn To Use Photoshop
Pics don’t lie, right? Well how about Photoshopping a picture of her making a porno facial expression on a photo of a naked girl with more cellulite than Rosie O’Donnell? Once you’ve perfected your masterpiece send the photo to EVERYONE, including her brother and father.

Take Advantage Of Her Boyfriend
Just because her boyfriend has some unwritten contract to be her “property,” doesn’t mean you can’t befriend him. Become disgustingly close with Corey, or whatever his name is. Make him a publicity project. Go out of your way to take as many pictures as you can with homeboy and plaster them all over the internet. Blow up his Snapchat. YOU are the alpha bitch in all aspects of her life now, including her relationship.

Befriend Her Brother Too
By “befriend,” I totally mean become FRIENDS with benefits with her brother. SLAM that mediocre wiener like it’s the last one that will ever come in contact with your vagina.

Send Her To Standards
On the morning of a huge mandatory philanthropy event, slip some Benadryl in her breakfast and some vodka in her latte. If she doesn’t do something stupid enough to earn a free ride to standards, you need to check where you are buying your shit.

Make A Fetish Site
Hear me out. You can benefit so much from this one. Set up some cheap cameras and get to work online. Pervs love this shit. She can be eating strawberries with whipped cream or shaving her legs and weirdos will still tune in. Similar to the Photoshop technique, anonymously send the link to all of her friends, boyfriend, and ex-boyfriends. Now everyone thinks she is so desperate for money that she has to appeal to lowlife boners who are jerking off in their basement while their wives are asleep. Bonus: you will receive all of the revenue.

Make Sure She Doesn’t Leave The House
If she can’t leave the house, she can’t have a social life. In order to prevent her from leaving you can either shrink all of her clothes to make her feel insecure because she looks like an ogre, or pull a Carrie Underwood and slash her tires. Whatever. She still sucks even when she can’t go anywhere.

Shove Your Tongue Down Her Ex’s Throat
This one is an obvious baby step. If you’re swapping spit with her ex in front of her, this chick’s blood is going to be boiling with rage. Who cares if he has bad acne and smells like fried chicken? If it pisses her off, it’s worth it.

Pull A Regina George
One sure fact is that Regina George is a fucking legend. If you are out of things to do to your enemy, reminisce on what Regina George once did. Call that whore’s mom and pretend you are from Planned Parenthood. Say it’s “urgent.”

She’s fucked.

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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