It all started with a cheeseburger. Last night, my best friend Amber and I drove all the way from College Station Texas to Austin just for In-N-Out. (Can you say hormonal?) I wish I could say this was the first time the two of us had made the four-hour round trip drive for cheeseburgers, but that would be a lie. Two hours of driving later, Amber and I finally sat down in the In-N-Out booth with a giant tray of double-double cheeseburgers protein style and an order of animal fries between us. After thoroughly inhaling the tray full of calories faster than your average frat guy can shotgun a beer, Amber and I slumped back into a casual food coma. Finally, Amber broke the silence.
“Did you know Kid Cudi is playing in Austin tonight?”
Everyone has that one friend they can communicate with simply a look. For me, Amber is that friend. All it took was one knowing glance and we both leaped up from the booth and ran to the car. Off to the Austin Music Hall we went.
Keep in mind Kid Cudi had a sold-out concert on a Thursday night, two and a half hours from home. A show to which we don’t even have tickets to. I don’t know what the hell possessed us with the idea that we would somehow be able to sneak into this concert, but if there’s a will, there’s a motherfucking way. We had already driven two hours to Austin for a damn cheeseburger so the worst thing that could happen was that we drive another ten minutes and get denied at the door. Or we would get caught and end up in jail hours from home and would have to befriend sketchy gang members so we wouldn’t get our asses kicked. I think it’s safe to say that after all the cop drama I’ve had in my life I was praying that wouldn’t happen. But I felt confident that worse case, we would look stupid for a few minutes after being turned down and laugh about it all the way home.
We arrived at the concert venue to find an unpleasant surprise. They had that fucking place on lockdown. I’m talking three security guards to every door, no visible windows, no Wentworth Miller to help you orchestrate a plan, kind of lockdown.
Amber and I were still not intimidated by the situation and proceeded to park the car and strut up to the venue entrance like we owned the place. Even though we were dressed in Nike shorts, oversized t-shirts, and messy buns (AKA sorority girl fast food road trip attire), we felt confident. How could they turn us down? Our attempt to casually slip through the front door didn’t exactly go as well as planned. We literally got within a five-foot radius of the doorway when an old hag lady grabbed my arm like a total bitch.
“Tickets?” she growled at us. I was secretly hoping that all the security guards would be hot middle-aged men who I could exchange a quick double D boob flash for concert entrance, but it was clear that this woman would participate in no such a trade.
Time for plan B.
“Can I please speak to your supervisor?” I said to the old security guard wench as she attempted to drag my six-foot tall ass down the stairs away from the concert. The security guard looked at me clearly taken off guard.
“S-U-P-E-R-V-I-S-O-R.” I spelled out for her in the most serious voice I could muster.
“Ummm right this way,” she said as she lessened her grip on my arm and led me around the building looking confused as shit.
The bitch of a security guard (who informed us that her name was Lenora. Like, is that a classic old bitch name or what?) led us to a group of security guards and without even being told, Amber and I could both figure out who the supervisor was. This guy made me look like a fucking midget and had a body the shape of every Kardashian ass stacked on top of one another. He was huge. I walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder fearlessly.
“So I hear you’re the boss?” I cooed at the giant.
Mr. Serious Security guard raised his eyebrows at me. I proceeded to relay our entire “drove all the way to Austin to get cheeseburgers and ended up at Kid Cudi” story to him. A smile began to tug the corner of his lips. I pleaded for him to let us in.
“Pleaseee, you look very…powerful?” I tried. He broke out in a laugh.
Mr. Apparently-Not-So-Serious Security guard pointed to the two security guards nearest to him. “You two, take these two ladies into the front of house.”
And just like that, two security guards led homeless looking Amber and me through the weedy, hazy Kid Cudi concert right up to the very front.
So the next time you drive an embarrassing distance for cheese and carbs, try to hop into a Kid Cudi concert. The worst thing that’ll happen is that you get caught and end up in jail hours from home and have to befriend sketchy gang members so you don’t get your ass kicked. But hey, if not — it’s totally, totally worth it..