How To Turn An Asshole Into Boyfriend Material


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As of 2016, “fuckboy” is probably the most overused word in the basic bitch language. Urban dictionary defines a fuckboy as “a manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to benefit him, regardless of who he screws over. They will screw over anyone and everyone as long they get what they want.” As of lately, this term has expanded to encompass pretty much any human with a penis who takes more than 17 seconds to respond to your text. That being said, I must preface this by saying the fuckboy I’m referencing pertains to the original definition. I’m talking about the guy you’ve been hooking up with for literally forever (no, the guy you’ve been messaging for two days on Tinder doesn’t count) and despite all your attempts at dropping hints, has blatantly refused to make your relationship FBO.

If you’re the kind of girl that’s just looking for a hookup then you probably aren’t bothered by guys of this nature. However, if you’re the other 99 percent of women who continuously tell themselves they are cool with just being FWB with a guy and then predictably catch a bad case of the feels, then this is for you. Contrary to popular belief, fuckboy syndrome isn’t equivalent to herpes. This is great news for all the inevitably clingy girls like me because fuckboy is a curable disease. That being said, here are the five steps to reform a fuckboy.

1. Take Away His Power
It’s basic human nature to want what you can’t have and fuckboys take this primal need to the next level. A manipulative guy’s easiest target is the girl he can easily control. The girl who always makes herself available. The girl who will sacrifice her social schedule. The girl who is desperate to make him happy and meet his needs. When trying to conquer a fuckboy, the first step in attempting to make him boyfriend material is taking away his element of control. If you aren’t in the mood for sex don’t be afraid to let him know. If you have plans with your girls when he hits you up for a booty call don’t stop what you’re doing to please him. If you want a fuckboy to take you seriously you need to let him know that you’re voice means something and it’s not all about him.

2. Become Close With His Mom
As much as guys like to say they are independent, their mother’s opinion will always mean something to them. If you can (WITHOUT BEING A TOTAL CREEP) get in tight with the number one lady in his life, it will do you good in the long run. If she likes you she will bring you up in regular conversation, check in on your relationship status, and constantly tell him “what a sweet girl you are” and “how much she enjoys having you around.” Worried about your man going home for breaks and meeting other girls? Don’t be. The second his mom sees him so much as hug a girl other than you know she’s going to shoot him that motherly look of disapproval.

3. Give Him Things Other Girls Won’t
If the first thing that came to your mind when you read this was anal you should probably get your mind out of the gutter (or not because you are probably fun as fuck). However the “things” I’m referring to right now aren’t sex related whatsoever. Any Tinder bitch can give him BJ or be sweet-talked into a Tuesday night bootycall, but not just anyone is down to randomly cook him steak dinner and buy him clothes. By doing little things for him that a normal hookup wouldn’t, you put yourself a step above the average FWB. Just remember: moderation is key. Don’t make any over the top grand gestures that would suggest you’re a stage 5 clinger, but do just enough so that every time he wears that shirt you got him, you’re on his mind.

4. Wear Red Lipstick
It’s common knowledge that red is the color of sex and that wearing bright lipstick screams “this is one confident bitch.” Spicing up your normal makeup routine will not only catch your fuckboy off guard but studies also show that men view women with lips that stand out as more competent (AKA wife material). Plus, if you’re out partying at the clubs, sending him snapchats of you with bright lips will give him reassurance that you’re not out making out with randos because you obviously wouldn’t want to fuck up your perfect lip line.

5. Get Pregnant
I mean, obviously, this is a last resort tactic but if he’s hot, got money, and you are confident that you could survive nine months without tequila then by all means, why the fuck not? You’ll only seem a little crazy and hey, I hear that restraining orders are all the rage right now.

My life is pretty much one big awkward embarrassing moment. Dream-self is a cross between Amy Schumer and Serena Van der Woodsen. I like LITs a little too much and am standards board's worst nightmare. If you don't party on Tuesdays then what's the point of college..? Feel free to email me funny stories and Memes because I love to laugh and there's a chance I might be able to make you laugh too. xo

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