How You Determine Your Mean Girl, Spice Girl, Sex And The City Lady, Friend, And GIRL

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Perhaps it’s our inherent need, as social beings, to connect with people, or perhaps we’re just self-absorbed young women who need to make everything, including TV shows and movies, about us. However, all of us, every last one, have at one point or another (likely on multiple occasions) been guilty of assigning ourselves “roles” congruent with the characters of our favorite shows and movies. “You’re definitely like a Carrie, but with some Samantha aspects, and Charlotte hair. That’s like a really good combination.” Amirite? We do it constantly, during any show/movie toting three or more female characters. We’ve done it our whole lives, and with every single group of friends. but there’s a method to our madness, and the method is always different. After some careful evaluation, I’ve determined which factor is most important when determining your Mean Girl, Spice Girl, Sex and the City lady, Friend, and GIRL.

Mean Girls

Mean Girls

Your Mean Girl is contingent upon the group of friends you’re discussing it with, because it’s based on your relationships with each other and how you compare with one another. Without having the contrasts, it is very difficult to assign yourself a character. No one is always a Regina, because no one is always the bitchiest. No one is always a Karen, because no one is always the dumbest. And no one is always a Gretchen, because no one is always the most gossipy. Among your roommates, you may be the ringleader (Regina), while in your family, you’re constantly trying to please your big (Gretchen), and at home you decided everyone sucks so you’re the blatant frenemy (Cady). It’s all relative.

Spice Girls

Spice Girls

If you think your Spice Girl is determined by anything other than your hair, you’re wrong. You would think because their “personalities” are laid out so obviously that they’ve named themselves with them, that sporty girls would be Sporty and sexy girls would be Sexy (later Ginger), but it’s not the case when things like this are determined by 8-year-olds, many of whom don’t even know what the word “posh” means. If we’d had our way, every single girl in the world would have been Baby. Every. Single. One. Unfortunately, there was usually only one blonde per play group, and only one blonde in our favorite girl group, so she got to be it. If you were blessed with a redhead or strawberry blonde in your group of friends, she was auto-Ginger, but often one of three brunettes would (smartly) volunteer to fill the spot in hopes of avoiding the game of nose goes to determine who would get stuck being Sporty. As for you poor, curly-haired girls, you were forced with the worst Spice Girl of all: Scary. You really had no choice. The other girls with their silky smooth locks couldn’t put weird dreadlock horns on top of their heads, now could they? No, no they couldn’t. If only I’d been ahead of the curve and realized that Posh was the hottest the whole time, I might have grown up resenting blondes a whole lot less.

Sex And The City

Sex and the City

You choose your SATC character based on one thing, and one thing only: your relationships with men. It’s strange because all four characters are actually more promiscuous than the average woman, but your sexuality essentially defines which lady you associate with. People tend not to want to be Cynthia Nixon’s character, mainly because she’s a ginger (and a lesbian), but I’ve met a few unwilling Mirandas in my day. Anyone who is “married to the job” and continuously puts work before love (or before anything, really) fits the bill. Of course the slutty friend is Samantha, which is ridiculous because most of us aren’t mouthing, “Wanna fuck?” to the guy sitting next to us in yoga, but the classic Samantha is still a little sluttier (or at least more sexual) than the average bear, so her classification seems simple. Then there are Charlottes. I’m just going to come out and say it — if you’re a Charlotte, you suck. Yes, Kristin Davis is the prettiest, but she’s still the worst one. You’re the girl who’s always in a relationship, the girl who judges, and the girl who’s obsessed with marriage. Easy to spot, and hard to avoid. You’re also kind of a prude, or at least you pretend to be. Last but not least is Carrie, whom I believe most of us would identify with because she’s the most “normal” by comparison. She’s not a sexual icon like Samantha, but she’s not ashamed of her sexuality like Charlotte, either. She’s made a few mistakes, mostly with the same guys over and over again (can I get an “Amen?”), but ultimately, she is neither looking for sex, nor for marriage, but for love.

Friends

Friends

Determining your Friend is fun because boys can play, and by “play” I mean assign them characters behind their backs, as I’m pretty sure guys don’t do this (I’ve never in my life heard a guy say “You’re such a Turtle!”). The lady’s man is a Joey, the funny guy is a Chandler, and the smart one is Ross.

As for the girls, it’s very simple. You’re probably not a Phoebe (it’s so hard to find a good Phoebe these days), but if you’re a weird hippie, you probably relate more to her than the other two. For most of us, though, you decide your Friend based exactly on your personality type, A or B, for which Monica and Rachel, respectively are (very feminine) archetypes. You have to be one or the other. If you’re a Monica, it’s because you’re Type A — overly competitive, orderly, and rigid (see: anal). Some may say you’re “crazy,” but you just know best and you get shit done. Conversely, if you’re a Rachel, you are Type B. You are more easy-going and less stressed, assuming that everything will just be done for you, because your wealthy parents (and your more responsible BFF) have continuously proven that it will be. Does this make you spoiled or does it make you hopeless? Who cares? Monica probably has a spreadsheet that answers this question anyway.

GIRLS

Girls

Ever since the first episode, I’ve been trying to figure out which GIRL I am, but I’m pretty sure no one is really any of them. The GIRLS are all relatable to a young twenty-something, because they’re not over-exaggerations of anything (which is why the show is so brilliant). They’re not that different on any one specific thing (like sexuality or hair color), so they just feel like regular people. It’s really hard to categorize yourself as a regular person. You either exactly fit one of the characters, or you don’t really fit any of them at all. Still, we must satisfy our overwhelming need to identify with someone, so everyone tends to pick one semi-obscure detail about one character and cling to it.

  • “I went to camp, and I’m kind of spazzy, so I’m a Shoshana.” No, Shoshana is just your favorite.
  • “My boyfriend and I had really boring sex. Totes Marni.” We’ve all been 17.
  • “I’m a blatant Hannah because I have HPV!” All adventurous women do. 
  • “Well, I used to be a slut, but then I got married, just like Jessa.” Okay, you might actually be Jessa.

They’re all kind of a stretch, but it’s more important to have someone than to make sure it’s a perfect fit, or even a decent match. Oh well.

Regardless of why or how, our weird need to pick which character we “are” is as certain as middle-aged women are jealous of their husbands’ secretaries. Our mothers were picking their favorite Brady lady, and our little cousins were picking their favorite Cheetah Girl, I’m sure. As for me, in case you were wondering, I’m usually a Regina, Posh, Carrie, Rachel, and maaayyyybe a Shoshana. You know, if I had to pick.

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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