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I Am Truly Terrible At BDSM

I Am Truly Terrible At BDSM

“Can you loosen it just a liiiiittle bit more?” I begged Luke. The double wrist cuffs are literally going to make my hands fall off.

“More???” His face is astonished, because this was the third time I’d made this request.

“Yeah. This shit hurts. I can’t move.”

“That’s kind of the point.”

I’ve been reading Fifty Shades of Grey and they don’t mention this. I mean, yeah, the chick bitches about it hurting or whatever when she’s tied up. But this is different. I thought she was just being overdramatic.

“Whatever. Why don’t you try being tied up with these fucking blood-sucking wrist assassins?”

Ha! I know he won’t go for this. He has too big of an ego to be the submissive person.

His big, chocolaty eyes lit up and his mouth formed a devilish grin. “Fine. We can switch it up. I’m down.”

Wait. What? I don’t know what the fuck to do.

Luke let me out of that God-awful restraint and suddenly he was the one spread out on the bed. I put the pink blindfold over his eyes. Then I attached each of his hands to the bedpost and I was sure that they were tighter on him than they were on me. Finally I went to look for the leather flogger I bought from Spencer’s. I was in way over my head.

Uhhhh… WTF do I even do with this thing?

I slung the flogger on his abs while channeling my inner Rihanna. I moved it down to his penis and then stopped. There is nowhere else to go on a guy. Like that is literally the only place to take it, right? I’m not about to put it on his face. That just felt wrong.

“What’s the matter?” Luke asked.

“Well, I don’t really know where to take this thing.”

“Just have fun with it.”

Hmmm… fun, huh? I slung the flogger with immense force on his shin just once and then called it quits.

“Can we switch places now? This is stressing me out.”

“Okay. Just let me out I guess.”

Oh shit. Where did I put that key? I was too busy looking for the flogger.

“Ummm… I’m not sure where I put the key. Did you see where I put it?”

“No. I was blindfolded, remember?” Oh goody. He’s a lot of help.

Four minutes later I find the key on my messy nightstand and let him out. We agreed that nobody would be chained this time. I suggested we use ice, and then went to grab some.

“Okay. I swear this has to work. I’ve read about ice like a thousand times.”

He iced me down and then went into a straight missionary onslaught. Things got really rowdy and nasty as we tried inventing new sex positions. Porn stars would totally approve. Maybe. Probably not, but whatever. Suddenly he slapped me across the face. The jackhammering came to an abrupt halt and I backed away from him.

“What the fuck, Luke? What was that for?!?”

“You said you wanted me to get rough! I thought that’s what you meant!”

“Well, yeah. But, like, chill out a bit.” Luke looked so confused and a little impatient.

We started going at it again, and this time my eyes were wrapped with the pink blindfold. My fuck buddy surprised me with some chocolate syrup. Hell, yeah. I’ve only ever heard about this. There was a shit ton of hard spanking, hair pulling, and choking. He even pulled out the flogger at one point. I’m literally fucking his brains out until I suddenly remembered…

“OH MY GOD. STOP. These are my brand new satin sheets. This chocolate syrup is going to ruin them. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, LUKE?!?”

“This was literally all your idea, Kellie.”

Ugh. At least I have a man who listens.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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