I Can’t Stop Nipping And It’s Ruining My Life


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Nice Move


The alarm goes off at 6:45 a.m. “Fuck”, I think as I roll out of bed literally plopping myself onto the floor. The potato sack that is my body makes a loud thud when I land. Luckily, I somehow missed landing on my laptop and an open bag of goldfish from my Netflix binge the night before. Dreading the workout that lays before me, I crawl to my bathroom to get dressed for the torture that I willingly signed up for.

My friend, Lindsey, and I arrive at the gym contemplating if we actually want to go through hell, yet again. We gaze at all the model thin girls on their little ellipticals, chatting with the boys in the free weight section. They’re not even breaking a sweat. I despise them.

We begin our CrossFit type workout. For the fortunate souls who don’t know the tortures of CrossFit, imagine being in the worst amount of pain you can think of then double that, that is your workout. It involves doing squats, push-ups, and sit-ups, but with a shit ton of weights, tears in your eyes, and the inevitable decision to simply give up.

We are in the middle of our workout and I’m sweating like a pig in the depths of hell. My hair is plastered to my neck and face, my shirt and shorts have become completely different colors, and my skin resembles that of a tomato, but somehow more unappealing. Lindsey looks over at me and chokes out, “How are you still nipping?”

How am I still nipping? I am in the middle of a workout and I am as hot as the metal part of your seatbelt in the summer, but somehow my nipples decided to defy the laws of nipple temperature and point out of my shirt like I had taped toothpicks to them. A normal person’s nipples expand in the heat and then harden when cold. However, my nipples choose to be as hard as a rock no matter the temperature or activity.

This may not seem like an important issue, except until people COMMENT on it. A normal day for me sounds like “Hey, are you feeling a little cold today?” with a little smirk after. As if they have the right to make fun of MY nipples. I then started to wonder if other people have noticed my uncontrollable nipping. I asked my friends if they have ever noticed my non-stop nipping, and their response?

“Now that you mention it, I have noticed you nip a lot.”

After that day, everywhere I went I was in constant worry of who will see my nipples or who has already seen them. Am I known as crazy nipple girl? Is this why people are always offering me jackets? Why was I possessed with this never-ending doom? Will I ever be able to recover? Walking around with my arms crossed over my chest became the norm. However, I have resting bitch face syndrome so this only made me look bitchier than normal. My nipples had become the bane of my existence. This had to stop.

That’s when it hit me. Who am I to be ashamed of my nipping? Everyone has nipples! (Although I’m still questioning why boys need them.) Some of us even have three nipples! There are women out there with big boobs, small boobs, medium boobs, and we all nip at some point. So what if I just do it more? At least my nipples aren’t the size of turkey slices.

I know there are women out there who nip just as much as I do, and I want us to stop being ashamed! Flaunt those nipples! Show them off to the world if you want to! Hell, stop wearing a bra if you’re into that. Guys think it’s kind of hot, and who doesn’t love a little extra male attention?

If you can’t change it, you might as well embrace it.


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