No other event, holiday, or time of year has a soundtrack like Christmas does. Yes, Halloween has “The Monster Mash,” Hannukah has “I Have A Little Dreidel” and there’s the classic “Happy Birthday” song, but Christmas has an extensive and extremely specific playlist. And I can’t stand it.
First of all, if I so much as hear a solitary jingle bell before Thanksgiving dinner is over, the hair on the back of my neck stands up. Playing Christmas music before the predetermined holiday season, which is from the day after Thanksgiving to Christmas day, is a blatant disrespect for everything that Christmas music stands for. You wouldn’t wear white shoes after labor day, you wouldn’t wear white to someone else’s wedding, and you wouldn’t play White Christmas while there is still Halloween candy on display.
I did not grow up in a religious household, so a lot of the Christmas music that is church based is difficult for me to follow. Like you are telling me that a little boy with a drum showed up to Jesus’s crib and was like “I don’t have anything but I can bang this drum while the baby sleeps” and they agreed to it? If someone, let alone a child, showed up to the hospital right after I pushed a human out of me and tried to make cacophonous noises by my bedside, I might just reach out and strangle them.
Some songs are just so old that the archaic grammar of the songs make them hard to listen to. The line “God rest ye, merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay” is a modern literary nightmare. Auld Lang Syne isn’t even English. If they made some songs I could understand, maybe I could get behind it. Conversely, modern artists have taken it upon themselves to destroy every manageable Christmas song one remake at a time. Singers that otherwise I am a huge fan of, like *NSYNC, Christina, Britney, Ariana, and even J. Biebs have sold out for Santa. As soon as I heard the words “shawty” and “reindeer” in the same song, I dramatically shrieked in terror. How could such a beautiful soul be tainted by the commercialism of the Holiday season? It was a sad day for Beliebers everywhere.
My biggest issue with Christmas music is there is SO. MUCH. JAZZ. Lies would be spewing out of your face hole if you told me that you would consciously elect to listen to this kind of music without Nativity nuances sprinkled throughout each song. No other time of the year, besides the Most Wonderful, would any of you posers listen to an 80 piece orchestra or a mere saxophone for more than fifteen seconds before punching a hole in the nearest wall. Let us free ourselves of fighting our natural aversion to the worst genre of music ever created.
I can’t deny that I can’t help but belt out a shrill “All I Want For Christmas Is You” and I can’t resist and impromptu duet of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” but Santa baby, my only wish this year is that I never have to listen to redundant Christmas songs ever again..