I Hope Nobody Is There To Take A Picture Of My Engagement


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Getting back to a normal schedule this week is going to be difficult. Not because I raged a bit too hard over the three-day weekend, but because I’m emotionally traumatized and the recovery alone will probably lead well into Thursday. Why am I so upset, you might ask? Four people I know got engaged over the weekend and my timeline is filled to the brim with messages of love and commitment and all that gooey shit that’s only fun to look at if you’re the center of all the attention.

To be clear, I’m not throwing a tantrum because I’m jealous. Well, of course I’m jealous — I have a feeble lady heart and my only goal in life is to one day rope some guy into sharing his bank account with me. But I’m not sitting here wishing I was the one who got engaged. I’m not ready for such a crazy commitment, and the next logical step after marriage is child bearing, which is so totally not what I want to be doing with my vagina right now.

No, I’m voicing my whiney millennial opinion on the aftermath of the proposal — the part where friends and family stack cheesy comments about how happy they are for the couple and how ADORABLEEEE their engagement photo turned out. Which makes me wonder, am I insane for praying that nobody captures the moment my future (unfortunate) hubby pops the question?

I get that Facebook is great for reconnecting with old friends and stalking ex-boyfriends and letting you know whose grandma is dead, but I am 100 percent positive that I want to keep my future engagement off the ‘book. I’m sure a lot of people are happy to spread the news of their undying love or whatever, but I wonder what happened to the old days. Wasn’t there a time when people were just happy enough knowing that they get to spend the rest of their lives with their best friend?

I’m really not hating on people who publicize their romantic business; you do you, even if that means uploading 300 nearly identical engagement photos to get the message across that you’re wifed up. I just think that in a world where everything we do is broadcasted for everyone and their mother to see, some things should be held to a higher, personal standard. I don’t want to post a documented engagement because I want to be able to be truly happy on an individual level, knowing that I get to spend the rest of my life with my favorite human. There are some things you should be able to smile about on your own, even if you don’t hit triple-digit likes and rack up hoards of friendly comments.

Maybe when I’m a few years older and life starts to seem bleak and meaningless, I’ll understand the thought process behind sharing such a significant milestone on social media. But as of now, I just can’t get behind the idea. It almost feels like a competition, or a PSA that reads, “We’re going to have a wedding in 15 months that you probably won’t be invited to!” Love is hard enough, why bring in the eyes of hundreds of friends and acquaintances? Engagements should be about two people who love each other enough to put up with each other’s obnoxious habits until they’re cold in the ground. Even if most girls are comfortable broadcasting their most intimate and memorable moments, I’d rather keep that shit between me and the poor son of a bitch who is deluded enough to pop the question in the first place.

Image via Shutterstock


Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at lucy@grandex.co.

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