I Look Perfect When I’m Drunk, And It’s Actually A Curse


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I Look Perfect When I'm Drunk

Not too long ago I read an article by one of our brothers over at TFM about his life with perfect drunk memory. I feel for the guy, I really do. Everyone likes to escape their own head every now and then, and this poor fucker can’t. Shame. But as I was reading through it, I kept thinking of several instances in which people have asked me if I was drunk at all, when in reality, I was plastered. I realized that he and I are kindred spirits. He has Perfect Drunk Memory. I have Sober Face. This is my story.

It started out when I met a guy absolutely blackout at post-bar noms a few months ago. Apparently we had an entire conversation to the point where he knew all this shit about me, and all I could remember of him was the middle of his nose with a swirly kaleidoscope of face around it. Obviously I was in rare form. The next day, when my friends told me I’d been talking to a cute guy, I was mortified. In my head, when I’m hammered, I look like shit. In my blackout state I imagined I must have been slurring my words, probably drooling, and definitely a little cross-eyed. But lo and behold, this fucker found me on Facebook and messaged me, asking if I remembered what I’d said to him that night. I was immediately struck with panic. I am a cesspool of terrible thoughts and mean one-liners so this could have gone anywhere. I told him that I honestly didn’t remember a thing, and he didn’t believe that I was that drunk. He thought I was just embarrassed about what I’d said. Turns out, my drunk hoe ass had told this boy that I just wanted to slut it up my last month of college, and he wanted to help me out with that. What a gentleman.

Long story long, I look and talk completely normal when I’m drunk.

Is this a blessing or a curse? There are definite pro’s and con’s.

Pro: I look totally normal even when I’m so drunk I probably don’t qualify as human anymore.
Con: Since I sound normal, people think that when I say dumb shit while I’m drunk that I’m actually serious. And sober.
Pro: I look damn good in any drunkenly taken candid pictures.
Con: People are always asking, “Are you even drunk?” to which my hammered self screams, “YES MOTHERFUCKER OBVIOUSLY.” It’s not obvious apparently.
Pro: This explains every single family holiday where I’ve played How Drunk Can I Get Before Anyone Notices, and have always gotten #BottlesDeep.
Pro: This all means that when I’m drunk I just turn into a more fun version of myself, at least on the outside, without all the sloppy embarrassing drunk faces.
Con: God forbid anyone thinks I’m just pretending to be hammered. That’s for nerds.

Now, I don’t know what to do with this power? I’m not as lucky as my TFM counterpart, since I’ll still be left in a fog the day after. I have no control over what I say, just that I look regular while doing it. Am I the only one afflicted with Sober Face? Is this a weird strain of Resting Bitch Face? Further studies will be conducted on this phenomenon, and by that I mean I’m going to continue going out and getting hammered to talking to people who think I’m just weird, not drunk.


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