There are many different types of assholes in the world. Some will lie to you about their feelings to get it in and ghost, some will revenge sleep with your sister, and some are rude to waiters. Regardless of what actions they did to prove their asshole status, they’re all insufferable jerks. Personally, I believe the douchiest is the guy who acts like the shit when he’s nothing more than a piece of shit. Sure, we’re all used to cocky frat guys. But in a lot of ways, they have a right to be cocky. When you’re rich, smart and charming, being cocky is actually kind of hot. On the other hand, the guys who act like their gracing us with their presence, when they have nothing to bring to table, make me want to actually puke on them.
This past weekend, my neighbor’s boyfriend and his friend came to visit our hometown. I’m pretty good friends with my neighbor so all of us were drinking up in my apartment. This was the first time I had ever met the friend, who I will refer to as Luke. I assumed I would love Luke because I love the boyfriend, Gabe. Well, as it turns out, Luke kind of sucks. He is what I like to refer to as a terrible person. But whatever, right? Maybe I just had a bad first impression. So being the nice person I am, I offered him my couch after hearing him bitch about having to sleep on my neighbor’s floor. There was no thank you, not even “are you sure?” Instead, homeboy took this as an opportunity to try and sleep in my bed. And argued with me when I said no.
The next morning wasn’t any better. By 9 a.m. I was already stripped down to a bikini, chugging mimosa after mimosa, and barking at my roommates to hurry the fuck up and go to the various day fades we had been invited to. Now anyone who knows anything would be able to figure out that the invites were extended to the girls and our female friends/sisters. But not for my man Luke! He not only invited himself along with us, but insisted it would be fine when I warned him that we would be turned away. He then proceeded to help himself to our alcohol.
When we made it to my favorite fraternity, they were having a small 10 a.m. pregame. They let him in because he came with me, but tension grew almost immediately. In my group of friends, I am often referred to as a “koala” because I get drunk and think it’s acceptable to climb people. Like trees. These boys are used to my annoying habits and don’t even bat an eye while I am using them as a human step stool. Thankfully, Luke had enough to say for all them. He, a stranger in a house filled with frat boys who think of me as their little sister, called me a slut. I simply raised my eyebrows, but the biggest man of the house asked him what the fuck he said about me. Luke played it off, insisting that he was joking, he even said “we’re cool like that.” But we’re not, Luke, we’re really not.
I am very open about my sexuality. I love sex, I love talking about sex, and frankly, I think people who do not enjoy it as much as me are probably just bad in bed. When people ask me where I “left my class” when I am routinely the first person out in a game of never have I ever, I shrug and remind them that I could a life my parents would be proud of me for if I wanted to. But I don’t want that. I want stories. I want to be choked and tied up. I want to live sexcapades that make Miley gawk and people question if I am making it all up. So I do, and my vagina and I are happy with this life. But maybe when you are intending to insult me, think about how well that is going to go for you.
After I had reached the completely classy level of blacked the fuck out, we set off to beach themed darty. Surprise, surprise, they did not let Luke in. He tried to guilt trip all the girls into hanging out with him instead of inside with the all the margaritas. Ha. Fat chance. Unfortunately, however, one of my roommates felt bad and walked him home. The plan was that she would walk him half way and then come back, even though it was the middle of the day and Google Maps is a thing. Guess who fucked that plan up? Luke needed to be walked alllll the back, and then walked into MY apartment.
After relentlessly hitting on my roommate, she reminded him (again) that not only does she have a boyfriend, they have literally been relationship goals for over three years. But persistence is key, and he treated her relationship like it was only an obstacle. She rejected him, again, and made it clear that it was time to leave. I would like to say that he apologized and left, to give hope that maybe, just maybe, he had one redeeming quality. Nope. The fucker didn’t leave without a fight. He stole my bacon. What kind of monster takes a girl’s bacon?! So Luke, if you’re reading this, let me just say from of the bottom of my heart — fuck you. You’re an asshole and you owe me bacon..
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