I Orgasm Every Time (And You Can Too, Maybe?)


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Nice Move

I Orgasm Every Time (And You Can Too, Maybe?)

“I need you to be quick, here. Okay?”

I knew what that meant. My ass was pressed against freezing cold sand and I was naked from the waist down. There was a family blissfully roasting s’mores by a fire fewer than twenty yards away. I was depending on scrubby brush and and the darkness to hide the fact that I was in the middle of trying to have a quickie with my girlfriend on a public beach at a campground. I laid on my back on my sweatshirt and I shivered while she, perfect significant other that she is, took her mouth down further and further. We had a group of people waiting for us to get back at our own campsite, and they would definitely notice us being gone for longer than fifteen minutes max. I didn’t care if they came looking for us, but I knew I’d prefer for my vagina not to be out by the time that happened.

It was dark and cold. I was drunk and distracted. Not exactly the ideal scenario for getting off—but I did. I came in about three and a half minutes, tugged my sweat pants on, grabbed my beer, and headed back to the party. Impressed? You should be.

The ability to get off in any situation is typically one reserved for guys, which is just sucky. Sometimes, during sex in a public parking lot or in his mother’s closet during a visit home (no judgment) you don’t want to have a quickie that leaves you feeling unsatisfied. I don’t blame you at all, homegirl. I’m like that. I don’t just want to have a four-minute wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am. I want to come, too. And I do. Every time.

I won’t lie and tell you that my girlfriend has nothing to do with it, because she absolutely does, but I have a few tried-and-true tricks that I’m convinced enable me to get off in almost any situation. And I’m willing to share them with you. No more struggling to get yours while he’s definitely getting his: I got you.

Tip One: Visualize
There’s always something that turns people on, a dark and dirty fantasy that they’re afraid to tap into even in their heads. Don’t be afraid. Visualize your dirty fantasy. Let yourself be the dirty girl you are. It does good things for your vagina.

Tip Two: Date A Hot Person
Sound shallow? It is, sort of. It doesn’t matter if the person trying to get you off is the most attractive person in the world or not that much to look at—it’s all about how you see them. People have chemistry, or they don’t, and no one knows why. If your guy doesn’t make you wet when he walks toward you, all of these tips are useless.

Tip Three: Relax
This one is hard. In a situation where you really need to get there fast, relaxing can sometimes be the hardest thing to do. Maybe you’re on edge, you’re having trouble focusing on how good your fuck buddy/boyfriend/whatever is at doing whatever it is they’re doing in your downtown area, and you’re anxious. You’re worried that at any moment a supermarket worker is going to tap on your window and tell you you’re no longer welcome within a ten-mile radius of wherever you are. Take a deep breath. Let it go. Live in the moment. It might sound overly-zen, but it works.

Tip Four: Squeeze Your Butt
This might be the weirdest one. When I’m in a sticky situation, or trying to be in one (lol) I have to tense my core so tight I practically have a six-pack just from attempting to orgasm. (That would quality as a humble brag if the six-pack part was even remotely true.) If I’m just lying there like a floppy doll, though, nothing will happen. My muscles need to be engaged—specifically, my ass. Go ahead, judge me. I’ll be getting mine while you’re wasting your time.

If you’re smart, you’ll take at least a piece of this advice the next time you’re hot and heavy in a high-pressure situation. No girl wants to pull her skirt back down and sneak out of a closet during parents’ weekend unsatisfied. And now, you won’t have to. Go out and get some, girlfriend, and if any of this is helpful, you know who to thank.

My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here: shannon.laynee@yahoo.com

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