“Wish Shayna a Happy Birthday!” my phone buzzed at me. Typically, I would brush away the Facebook notification, but this one intrigued me. Shayna and I used to be best friends in high school, but as time went on, she and I had a dramatic falling out. She would call me a bitch (true) behind my back, I would call her fat (also true) behind hers, until finally we had a nasty friend breakup. Both of us were at fault, but nothing outside the typical realms of teenage drama. And, to be honest, she hadn’t crossed my mind in years.
Yet in my bored and slightly buzzed state, I figured I am long overdue to potentially screw my life over with unnecessary drama. I decided to say “fuck it” and reached out to her. Just to be in the clear in case things went south, I opted to message her instead of write on her wall. You know, in case she curved my fake peace offering, the rest of our graduating class wouldn’t see.
“Hey, girl! Happy birthday!:)” The line was cast.
“OMG! HI! Thanks!” She responded almost immediately.
I wasn’t expecting to get this far. I could either proceed with a friendly tone and potentially get some dirt on her, I could be the adult my parents expected me to be and apologize for all of the fucked up things I did to her years ago, or I could play the victim and demand an apology for the fucked up shit she did to me. But before I could make up my mind, she did for me.
“I’m actually really happy you reached out. I’ve been feeling like I should for years. So, like, thanks haha,” she messaged.
Alright, so polite, an “I’m glad we’re past this” it is. It was probably the path I would have taken anyway, but I was still a little annoyed she set the tone in my game. Like, that is just so like her, you know?
“OMG of course! So what have you been up to?” I matched.
After a bit of back and forth, I started prying to get past the small talk. I learned that she didn’t do well in school so she moved back home, she was still with the same boyfriend I hated, and that she was honestly a little lost in life. My first reaction, obviously, was that I won.
But soon after that, all of those high school insecurities came flooding back. Even though I am honestly happy and feeling fulfilled in my last leg of college, even though my GPA is high and I love my friends, and even though I’m finally okay with being single, I still felt like I had something to prove. And honestly, that felt pretty shitty.
Without even a second thought I answered her questions about my life, boastful about my success and happiness. Which, honestly, was hyperbolic in itself. Sure, I did accomplish what I wanted, and yes I am happy, but it’s not like I’m going to Yale or dating Nick Jonas. I am happy, but I still go through stress and sadness, so why the fuck was I trying to act like shit was perfect? Even if my high school friend would be smirking about how our answered differed, even if that was all I wanted back then, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that I was happy, it mattered that I, in that moment, needed her to know I was happy. And it was kind of pathetic.
I was over the competitiveness I had always felt with her. I’m over the passive aggression and pretending like I’m great even when I’m not just to make someone else feel like less. Because honestly, even if it did bug her that I had my shit together, it couldn’t possibly have bugged her as much as I expected it to. And that’s when I realized that literally no one gives as much shit about your life as much as you do.
So, I signed off. I said goodbye, and I promised to hit her up for coffee next time I was in town. I won’t, because that’s pointless, but it did feel good to let go. And, obviously, I’m not over the drama. Obviously, I don’t actually have my shit together and will continue to fuck up. But it feels good to actually close that chapter of my life for now.
But then again, I’m probably just a self-righteous bitch..
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