I Started Watching “The Bachelorette” And Now I’m A Relationship Expert


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Nice Move


I watch The Bachelorette every single week without fail. I live tweet just about every second of the show, and I’m even the girl at the party telling everyone to stop talking so I can hear what’s happening on the group date. I’m in the TSM week to week bracket competing for bragging rights. I hardcore stalk every contestant on the show, and have half of them on Snapchat. So you could say I’m basically an expert in Bachelor Nation, and therefore I’m an expert at relationships.

If the Bachelors/Bachelorettes can find true love in two months, then why the hell can’t you find it in your four years at college? Why can’t that frat guy you hook up with call you at any other time but 2 a.m.? Why isn’t your boyfriend surprising you with lavish dates on hot air balloons or spontaneous trips to Cabo? What do you do when you feel like you aren’t getting enough assurance from you guy? What happens when you like more than one guy? You too can have all the answers if you become apart of Bachelor Nation. Everything they say is true, otherwise it wouldn’t be on TV, duh.

The Bachelorette is the reason we all think we can change the bad boy. Because you totally can! He really will change for you this time, and all those other girls he cheated on weren’t like you. And all guys are telling the truth when they say they like you, they aren’t just trying to fast track themselves into your fantasy suite. He’s really falling for you. I’m sure because the way he looked in your eyes. You had like three conversations the last two weeks, and if that’s enough for JoJo, then it’s sure as hell good enough for anyone else. Giving him your metaphorical (and sometimes literal) rose means he’s sticking around another week or so. Telling him you’re falling in love with him after a month is actually the reassurance he needs in the relationship and it won’t make him run for the hills.

And every relationship to come off The Bachelor franchise has lasted forever, so this line of thinking is how you can get a ring by spring. True love exists, and all those guys at the bar really want to get to know your personality, they aren’t just looking for a girl to give them head tonight. That 2 a.m. text he sent is because he really wants private one-on-one time with you, it’s not just because it’s last call and he wants some action. And If you’re interested in more than one guy, just take them all on one big group date and make out with a good majority of them. Seems reasonable enough to me.

The Bachelor taught me all that. It has to be true. I am the expert. Everything you could possibly learn about normal functioning relationships is found on The Bachelor. I don’t know if you can get any better advice than from Chris Harrison every Monday night.

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