On July 12, 2016, white girls and dads everywhere scoured the internet for the best deals of the summer. If you’re an Amazon Prime member (and if you’re not, sign up now or stop associating with me, you peasant) then you know that you had a day to save TONS on things you needed, like a toilet night light and a portable griddle.
So as I was sifting through item after item and adding things to my cart (because yes, I should get Poo-Pourri while it’s so cheap) I saw it. The thing my boyfriend had been wanting for months. The thing we talked about getting but always backed down because we’re too broke and never even buy alcohol at restaurants.
An Xbox One.
Now I’m not a “gamer” girl. While I try my best to give off a cool-girl vibe, the best I can do is sip a Shocktop while making everyone else do everything in “Call of Duty.” I like to say that I’m being realistic if we were in a war-zone and want people to be prepared but in reality, I’m just very mediocre at the game. At every game.
Still, I understand that being in a relationship means showing an interest in the other person’s interests and blah blah blah. The point is, I know what the different things on the controller do, but I’m not about to win any games or play by myself. But I was considering not totally vetoing an Xbox for the reason of being able to watch Netflix and Hulu on it, and that my boyfriend would be so distracted he would hopefully forget that blow jobs were a thing.
So when I saw a deal on Prime for an Xbox One with 2 games, a controller, and a $50 Amazon gift card, I hesitated. I knew that was a deal, and I also knew how hard my boyfriend had been working and how badly he had wanted a new console since his old Xbox started making dying cow noises a few years ago.
I quickly took a picture and sent it to my boyfriend.
Naturally, he immediately called me, begging to know if I was buying the gaming system of his dreams.
“Did you get it?!” he asked in a hushed tone, obviously rushing from his desk after I finally returned his multiple calls.
“I don’t know…” I teased, waiting to see what was in it for me if I actually made this insane purchase, “what’s in it for me?”
“Anything!” he said immediately, and I could just picture a glimmer of hope in his eyes.
“Well,” I started, checking the time on the deal and realizing that I needed to act fast. “You’ll have to pay me back for half eventually.”
“Of course of course!” he shot back, and I could all but hear him jumping up and down.
“And uh… and you’ll have to marry me,” I shot out, laughing as I said it.
“Okay!” he said.
Okay. He said okay. I all but proposed and he all but accepted. And with that, I purchased an Xbox and got engaged. I walked back in the office to all of the girls looking up at me, noticing the shocked look on my face.
“So, are you buying it?” one of them asked, glancing up from her computer.
“Well,” I started, pulling my laptop towards me and clicking “buy” on Amazon. “Yes. And uh, I think I’m getting married?”
“What?!” They all shouted back, dropping their phones and responsibilities.
And after regaling them with the story, it became clear: I. Was. Engaged.
The next fours hours at work were spent calling venues near me to see what availability they had for a June 2017 wedding. I made appointments to look for wedding dresses and convinced my best friend to buy a plane ticket to see me and help with planning. I Facetimed and asked all 10 of my bridesmaids to stand by my side, and by the time I left work for the day I was pretty much ready to walk down the aisle.
When I walked into the apartment that night my boyfriend fiancé greeting me, a huge smile on his face.
“WE GOT AN XBOX,” he shouted as he picked me up in the air and spun me around (okay, he tried to pick me up in the air but I’m too heavy so he settled for a sort of shake).
“WE’RE GETTING MARRIED,” I shouted back, smiling just as big at him.
The next few moments were somewhat tense as we tried to figure out what was happening. It turns out, in his eyes, we weren’t exactly “technically” engaged. Something about “tricking him with an Xbox” and being “overbearing.” Whatever. The point is, I have 300 save-the-dates that are going to be shipped to our apartment by Friday, and once he gets that Xbox in his hands, I have a feeling he won’t even realize that a wedding is going to happen. All I have to do is get him in a tux, and between
Pokémon Go and whatever shitty games he’ll buy for the new excuse not to hang out with me, I have a feeling he won’t even realize we’re married until our anniversary in a few years.
I’m not saying it’s the best way to get engaged, but I am saying that it might work. Maybe. So get online and buy your man an Xbox, an Apple Watch, or whatever other dumb, expensive thing he wanted. I know they say money can’t buy you love, but they didn’t say anything about bribes. Race ya to the aisle, bitches..
Image via Jeramey Lende / Shutterstock.com
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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