I Was Cursed With The Ability To Give Great Head


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I Give Great Head

My entire life I’ve been slightly above average at almost everything. My grades were never stellar, yet never dipped below a C. My sports career ended promptly in high school when I made varsity and was just another unmemorable player. I have never been the stunning, girl next door. All in all, I’d say I’m fairly attractive, but once again I don’t stray from the above average zone. I accepted my mediocre status. It was probably passed down through the generations. And I would continue to live my life not shining in a single aspect, until I found my gift. I’m really fucking good at giving blow jobs.

So maybe I don’t have any incredible attributes, but what I do have (much like the old dude in Taken) is a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. You might think this is a gift of sorts. But no, I have been punished by the gods with the ability to give head well. Once I take that dive down to do my work, I have opened Pandora’s box and unleashed the evil of man’s own satisfaction. It’s not like I was born into this world with my mouth open ready to be a little blow jay-giving prodigy. Nah, I took the cumulation of my friend’s advice and mixed it with a pinch of practice. Don’t think I’m out on the streets with a sign for free head, I have a little class.

What’s so wrong with being good at giving head?-you may ask. Blow jobs suck…literally. But they can be tolerated if spaced out. The issue is, once you give a mouse a cookie, or in the slightly more risqué version “If You Give A Boy A Blowie,” he’ll come back wanting more. I started out not minding the chore, one could say I even liked it. We tend to appreciate things we’re good at. But, boy does it get old. Now, I don’t mind it here and there. I am entirely on team blow jay, in moderation. But please, let me offer first. Let’s not ask every.single.time.

I can do very little with my special talent. No, I have no interest into going into porn, unless we’re talking the high level production, and even higher income type (kidding Mom and Dad, relax). And as much as I would love to put this on my résumé, I have the feeling most employers would have to throw me in the trash with the other crazies. But, they’d probably do it hesitantly because it shows I’m dedicated to my craft and I overcome adversity, as in the nastiness of sucking dick. I guess it’s good just when I want to give a little treat to that special someone. And as my friend pointed out, my husband will never leave me… haha husband, good one.

Or maybe every guy has told me I’m great at giving head even though I’m nothing more than a solid 7/10. And I will continue to live my above average life, with nothing to pull me above my own mediocrity. For the mean time, I can enjoy the facade and continue to hate my special gift.

Image via Shutterstock

On an average day you can find me awkwardly asking to pet dogs, searching through frat houses to find my missing wallet, and sending apology texts to the innocent victims from the evening before. Still navigating my way through undergrad life, and enjoying every drunken and confusing second of it. email me at : drunkandconfused@gmail.com if you have any breaking news/funny stories or if you want to fill me in as to what I did last night...

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