Emily Ratajkowski, Olivia Brower, and me. What do we all have in common? Well, besides the devilishly good looks, we all attended the same school. That’s right, internet. I am officially hot by association. I dunno, there must just be something in the water at the ol’ Academy. How can one meesley high school be churning out hot people left and right? I guess it’s just the luck of the draw, just like our far superior DNA.
Maybe it was the natural glow from the San Diego sun or the relaxed vibes we got from a campus with an ocean view. Either way, we’re basically the most beautiful campus in the world. Our prom, shit looked like the Oscars. With just a lot more drunken teenagers.
Imagine every TV high school show ever, with the impossibly good-looking cast, and that was me and my squad at the under-appreciated SDA. We all could have all done that as a career, you know, be really, really good-looking. But I, being the selfless and humble person that I am, decided to take the back seat and let those two take the spotlight. Plus, like, being a pothead and eating a burrito a day wasn’t doing me any favors.
And I know what all of you are thinking. Just because I attended the same school as these lovely ladies does not put me on their level. All I’ve got to say to that is “the haters are my motivators.” I have proof that I am. So suck it.
Actually, sucking it is my proof. I used to be pretty solid friends with Olivia. We had classes together all four years. This means boys typically saw us together. This, for a normie, is a worst nightmare. Olivia was already taking off on her modeling career during high school, so to most people, standing next to her is a death sentence. But for me, even if I looked like a human trash bag, ya girl was still hot enough to fuck.
That’s right. I was still hot enough to get laid. I wasn’t, like, first choice. But I was still, like doable. Take that, bitches. Also I was pretty skanky, so that probably helped. But that is besides the point.
The point here is to marvel at my existence. I am like the leech that takes credit for other people’s accomplishments. But it works. So add “basically a supermodel” to my résumé. I’ll report what life is like for the other side..
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