I Wish I Was Sluttier


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I Wish I Was Sluttier

As a woman and a sorority girl, I have learned many things over my years in college. Such as how to walk in heels all day across a hilly campus, or how to trick my professor into thinking my seven-page paper is not complete bullshit. I’ve learned that wine is better than rum and that I’m not made for the gym. I’ve also learned what kind of person I am. After taking stock of the past few years, I’ve come to realize that I’m not a slutty person. The problem with this is, I sure as hell wish I were. There are so many things that being a harlot can teach you and I feel as though I have missed my opportunity to capitalize on these hidden talents. I’m not just talking exclusively sleeping around here, either. There are many levels of sluttiness and all offer different lessons to teach.

Take social skills, for instance. Being confident in your slut-like skills automatically gets you attention, so you’re constantly having to talk to people and be a social butterfly. The more attention you get, the more chances you have to hone your very specific skill set, which in turn will help you out down the line. You’re not afraid to pick the lowest cut top and tightest shorts because you know it’ll pay off at the end of the night. Essentially, being a minx can only help you in social settings. While everyone else is desperately trying to down enough alcohol to muster up enough courage to grind up on a guy, you’re already into your second set of moves with no end in sight.

Being the proud slut that you are, you’ve been put into too many situations that need some top notch communication skills. That guy you went home from the bar with last month who won’t stop texting you, asking when you’re going to hook up again? For us mere maidens, it would be enough to make us bury our phones in our couch cushions and ignore it until he gives up. But the tarts of the world know exactly what to say to get rid of him. They have an arsenal of excuses and shade lined up to throw his way. Never underestimate the power of a well-worded text from a girl who just wants to slut it up in peace.

You learned early on which clothing looks best and how to accentuate every curve of your body. Basically, you’re a fashionista and I’m totally jealous. While the rest of us muddled through the Ugg and yoga pants phase, you were rocking the leggings and crop-tops. Not just any leggings though. Your reputation needs to be upheld, so they were the sluttiest leggings you could find. Probably skin-tight leather or slightly see-through, depending on your mood that night. Either way, your outfits are on point and the best part? No one can say a bad thing about it because you just look that damn good.

All of these combined can only lead to a good amount of male attention, so you’re never lacking in that department. You always have your pick of the litter. Whether it’s a simple make-out in the corner you’re after, or a good old one-night stand, you need not fear, a guy is never far behind. What guys don’t realize, is that you hold all of the power in this situation. Doesn’t being queen feel good?

Clearly I’ve made some serious miscalculations in not unleashing my slutty side. All of this time I could have been learning valuable lessons. Looks like I’ll have to make up for lost time. Tequila and crop tops, here I come.

Image via Shutterstock

WineFirst likes her wine white, chilled, and alone, although she's been known to share on rare occasions. In an attempt to not grow up, she procrastinates all things adult, such as not paying off her credit card bill and watching re-runs of Sex and the City. If you have any funny stories or new leads (or videos of kids falling down) e-mail her at: winefirst.asklater@gmail.com

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