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I Would Be The Best/Worst Standards Chair, Depending On How You Look At It

Standards

Let’s take a quick little trip down memory lane. So two years ago, I was voted onto standards committee as a joke. My sisters thought it would be funny. I thought it would be funny. I mean honestly, it would have been fucking hilarious having the “PR Risk” (my nickname) on the standards committee. That same night, I got embarrassingly plastered and posted a picture of myself sipping a dos-a-rita with the caption “#Standards” on my Snapchat story. I was not yet 21, and I had my bitchy president as a Snapchat friend who screenshotted the picture. Needless to say, I resigned by sending a nasty email, and the email I got back said I would have been kicked off anyways. The end result was an exec hearing. I guess being on standards committee was just never in the cards for me. Boo freaking hoo.

But come on, I would be a sorority’s dream standards chair in the eyes of those sisters who understand what college is all about. Would Nationals and my sorority’s advisors approve? Fuck no. I would be their biggest nightmare. My campaign slogan would be “It’s Time You Give Someone Like Me A Shot Already, Literally.” Of course I would have policies, but they would be doable.

Alcohol Rules

  1. If I can’t see it in the house, as far as I’m concerned, it didn’t happen.
  2. It’s against the law to drink alcohol under 21, and I sure know NONE of my sisters would break the law. I’ll never question your age if you haven’t ever been put behind bars for it.
  3. You’re just so excited for chapter that you HAD to pregame it. Awww.
  4. Getting rowdy with new members is nice because you’re trying to include them in the sisterhood. So sweet!
  5. The only reason it’s called “formal” is because you’re supposed to dress formal. The name doesn’t imply that you can’t get trashy with booze.
  6. Pictures with red cups are just your aesthetic.
  7. If you’re in your letters while consuming spirits, we can just say you are super proud to be a member and celebrating.
  8. Academic Rules

    1. Just pass your classes. And if that’s impossible, learn to flirt with the teacher.

    House Rules

    1. If you have a problem with someone, such as noise complaints or whatever else, don’t be a pussy. Talk to them because I don’t give a shit about your drama.
    2. Be nice to the house mom to her face. Talk shit behind her back all you want.
    3. If a penis-owner is over past “hours,” just tell me he identifies as a chick.
    4. Be courteous and don’t eat other people’s food. That’s just fucked up.
    5. Booze is also referred to as “The Devil’s Water,” so just say you’re drinking aqua.

    Social Event Rules

    1. Don’t have sex on the party bus because that’s just nasty. But provocative dancing and making out is fine. You people are just really ~in love~ for all I know.
    2. Refer back to “Alcohol Rules”

    Social Media Rules

    1. Don’t say dumb shit like, “I just had a one-night stand and obviously did anal because my ass is still pounding.” You know what I’m talking about.
    2. Pictures with drugs aren’t cute.
    3. If I can’t see what’s in your cup, I’m going to assume it is Dr. Pepper.
    4. Your ass and tits need to be covered up enough to where people aren’t genuinely asking which corner you work on.

    Rules Involving Guys

    1. As noted before, just say he identifies as a girl if he is caught after house hours.
    2. Maybe don’t wear your boy crush’s shack shirts that have another sorority’s letters on them in public. (Pro tip: Save those shirts for when you are belligerently drunk and need a shirt to wear while you’re puking your guts up. That’s what I do at least.)
    3. Don’t have sex in the open at sorority events. Save that for the bathroom or when you sneak away on the country club golf course.

    Now I come back to my original thought. Why would any normal sister NOT want me as standards chair? I understand the people. I could change lives, and even better, the sorority as a whole. I would be like the messiah of messy sorority sisters. Maybe. I don’t know. I would probably get bored and grab a dos-a-rita all over again. But it’s nice to think I could make a change and not have everyone hate their standards chair for once.

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    Kellie Stritz

    Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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