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I Wrote An Article Slamming Birkenstock Sandals And Now The Chillest CEO Ever Wants To Convert Me

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A few days ago, I wrote an article talking mad horse shit on Birkenstock sandals. I don’t know why, so don’t ask. Let’s just assume I was bored and ranting about something that I didn’t like. People do that sometimes.

The aftermath was a little hectic, but I guess I expected that. I mean, at this point, it doesn’t matter what it is that you’re putting on the internet for thousands of strangers to see; it’s always going to offend someone. You could literally write an article about saving orphans from a burning building on Christmas Eve, and someone, somewhere, would be mad about it. I’ve covered much more controversial topics, so I was able to brush off the angry Burk-lovin’ geeds’ tweets pretty easily.

I definitely wasn’t expecting any emails on the topic, because I figured no one is that passionate about sandals. But someone was, and it was none other than the Chief Executive Officer (THAT MEANS HE’S THE CEO BITCHES) of Birkenstock, David Kahan.

I’ll be honest– When I saw that this guy had personally sent me an email, I totally expected to get my ass handed to me. I figured that I probably deserved it. I talk shit on a lot of products, and it was just bound to happen eventually. But with one email, this man easily became the coolest mofo in all of my inbox (not saying a lot, it’s mostly hate mail and spam, but still). Dude’s an angel. I have a feeling the mere sight of this man’s face could cure cancer. Mr. Kahan and I have been emailing back and forth for a bit, and I can honestly say that he has made it to my top ten list of people I’d like to drink a beer with–right above Jesus, still below Amy Winehouse.

Here are some highlights:

Hello
I just read your article.

This is when I started sweating uncontrollably.

You do know that our brand has millions of loyal fans who absolutely LOVE our products?

I guess I figured that, yeah.

We are also used often on fashion runways by the leading designers.

That is something I would never know.

we are so passionate about what we do and I consider it my personal mission to bring as much happiness and satisfaction to people by way of our great products that I would LOVE to connect with you.

Internally aww-ing. Externally bitchface-ing.

Maybe we need to get you in a pair of our “Arizona” two strap sandals this Spring so we can help convert you.

Oh, fuck.

…most CEO’s would never respond personally to anyone.

Let alone me.

I did enjoy your style of writing.

This guy can even take a joke.

How many other CEO’s are reaching out at this personal level????

Tory Burch won’t return my calls, so very few.

I want to stick to my guns. I really do. But this bro is just way too nice, and though I definitely don’t feed the trolls, I can’t ignore his offer. He does his business the way every American should– with enthusiasm, pride, and concern for us little people. He believes in his company, and that’s a respectable trait.

So, I’m going to do it. I’m going to give them a chance. I’ve read your comments, heard your tweets, and successfully ignored them all. But now, I set out on a journey to exit my comfort zone and place my trust in the hands of a presumably capable corporate officer. Just promise me something: If I end up converting, tell my mother I love her. Because she won’t be speaking to me anymore.

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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

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