If The Bachelorette Contestants Were A Fraternity


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Nice Move

The Bachelor

Last night on The Bachelorette, Derek compared the house to a fraternity house. I can see where he’s coming from: they all drink and party, they fight, and they’re all competing for female attention. But what if they actually created their own fraternity? How would each person fit in?

James T.: President

James T. is the most respected guy in the house. He tries his best to keep the peace, and is the first to step in when there is conflict. He has his head screwed on straight and is good with people. It’s hard to believe that a guy like him got mixed up in a group like them, but he’s not just one of them, he is their leader.

Alex: Risk Management

A photo posted by Alex Woytkiw (@alexander_yq) on

Alex is most likely to say the phrase “Who do you know here?” As soon as something seems fishy to him, he is there to stop it. He’s a little too volatile to be president, but he is just as much of a leader.

Chad: Pledge Master

Chad would whip those pussy-ass pledges into shape. His tactics would be a bit unorthodox, but he would get the job done. He would make it clear that he is their superior and not their friend. He wouldn’t feel guilty about hazing them. In fact, it would bring him a sense of pride when he saw his boys become men.

Chase: Treasurer

They just needed to elect someone that wasn’t a total idiot, so he got the position. He has trouble locking people like Daniel down to pay their dues, but for the most part he does his job well.

Wells: PR

A photo posted by Wells Adams (@wellsadams) on

How can you not love Wells? He brings such a positive energy to the house. He is funny and well-spoken, which would be perfect for when the fraternity hosted events. Wells would give the fraternity a great image because of his superior interpersonal skills.

Evan: Double Legacy

A photo posted by Evan Bass (@theebass) on

If you are wondering why Evan is there, so is everybody else. He slid through rush on the fact both his brother and dad are alumni, and no one found a definitive reason to drop him besides the fact that he’s kind of a pussy, so he is here to stay.

Derek: The One That Always Bitches

A photo posted by Derek Peth (@dpayth) on

He doesn’t like the t-shirt design, he doesn’t like the mixer theme, he doesn’t like much of anything really. He starts every conversation with a complaint, and you can count on two hands how many times you’ve seen him smile. He’s constantly crying over some girl that he only hung out with once, but for some reason he is completely attached.

Jordan: The Hot One

A photo posted by Jordan Rodgers (@jrodgers11) on

He is the reason girls are interested in the fraternity. They figure if he would join, there must be others like him. He slays puss left and right, but if the right girl came along, he has the capacity to develop feelings for her. That is, until he gets bored.

Robby: Another Hot One

They just needed another hot guy because Jordan was graduating soon. He’s a total dud, but also a total stud.

Chris Harrison: The Lurking Alum

No current member has any recollection of Chris being in the chapter, but he’ll swear on his mother’s grave that he was the fucking man when he went to school. They let him hang around and be one of the guys, but they talk shit about how old he is behind his back.

JoJo: Sweetheart

She is the dream girl. She is one of the guys, but if you’re hot enough, she’ll hook up with you. All of the guys are obsessed with her, which makes all the other girls hate her. She doesn’t care though. She’s too busy doing something like watching a football game in a sequin dress. Is she even a real person?

Daniel: The One Who’s A Little Off

He’s a nice enough guy, but something is a tad odd. Lights are on but nobody’s home. He gets considerably fewer girls than he thinks he does, but he does dumb shit when he’s drunk, so the guys bid him for the entertainment.

Luke: The One Who Has A Girlfriend

A photo posted by LUKE PELL (@luke__pell) on

You don’t see much of Luke unless you also see his lady. He is MIA at most fraternity events, especially parties that would surround him with “temptation.”

Rush Alpha Beta Chi (ABC).

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A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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