If You’re Not A Camp Counselor This Summer, You’re Doing It Wrong


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If You're Not A Camp Counselor This Summer, You're Doing It Wrong

Summer is three full months off of school. That means three months of living in your childhood bedroom, having to explain where you’re going every time you leave the house, and listening to your mom gossip with her mall-walking friends while getting drunk off half a bottle of wine. If you have any hope of staying sane, you better find a way to keep busy and keep out of the house. What better way is there to stay occupied than by getting a summer job? Two words. Camp counselor. Being a camp counselor allows you to practice all of your sorority skills while getting an awesome tan and having nights and weekends free.

Career practice
Being a camp counselor is the equivalent of getting an internship for your MRS. degree. You learn to be responsible for another living thing without killing it, and you figure out how to hide your weekday hangovers from the judgey eyes of suburban moms.

Eligible bachelors
Fraternity guys are great and all, but do you know what’s even better than a fraternity guy? A fraternity guy who’s good with kids. Working at a summer camp gives you the perfect opportunity to ogle hot frat guys who are sure to make great dads someday. Teaching kids how to play softball doesn’t just help them win intramurals next year; it helps them figure out how not to emotionally scar your future children. You’re welcome.

Spending all day chasing twelve seven-year-olds around is the prime occasion to rock those Nike shorts and oversized t-shirts without the threat of that girl from Alpha Beta Whatever showing up with perfect curls and grandma’s pearls. Everyone at camp looks like they’re hungover 100% of the time, so you’ll fit in just fine. Plus, you’ll get a lot of t-shirts that you can wear at school when you look too shitty to wear your letters.

Arts and crafts
Get paid to craft. Need I say more?

Popsicles are great for two reasons.

1. You can hoard them to melt and use as chaser or mixer. Nothing better than a vodka/bomb pop cocktail, am I right?
2. In case you didn’t know, popsicles are shaped like penises. That means you can practice your bj skills without looking too much like the sex-obsessed weirdo that you are. Hey, somebody had to say it.

Usually babysitting means getting hired to watch some perfect little angel (read: brat) for a few hours while his parents are out getting so drunk they forget that they even have a kid. For you, babysitting means keeping track of your five drunk, crying friends as they hop around to every bar on campus at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday. Keeping track of a group of sugar high four-year-olds at camp is pretty much the same thing. Hone your skills for next year; you’ll need all the practice you can get for your big’s 21st.

So if you have to spend your summer away from the glory that is your college town, spend it at camp. You’re sure to come back with a few good stories and a tan that rivals that bitch who spent her summer sunning in the south of France.

InVinoVeritas is a recent college graduate who spends most of her time drowning her sorrows of graduation in coffee and tequila shots. She enjoys monogramming anything that doesn't move and drinking copious amounts of wine. Compliments, love letters, and cute videos of animals dressed as humans can be sent to invinoveritastsm@gmail.com.

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