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In Defense Of The Man Whore

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In a cruel twist of fate, chicks have vaginas. Men don’t. We can’t whip out our baby makers, twirl it around, and stick it in anything we want, including apple pie. Girls have to be nice, but not too nice because we still need to play hard to get or whatever in order to get someone to touch our genitals. As hard as we try to pull as many guys as we want, and try not to get our ~feelings~ hurt once we start falling in love, the sex and relationship gods continue to piss upon us.

It seems like those with wieners have easier love lives. The stars always align in their favor, even if some of their actions are deemed ethically wrong. Girls have psychological needs/wants and are complicated beings. Dudes are simpler. For some men (not all), the only real relationship NEED of theirs is to get their penis wet and defeat blue balls every so often. And in order to fulfill this need, some of them become reckless animals who poke their boner in any chick who is willing, regardless of hurting an emotionally pure girl. This is where the man whore is born.

The thing about man whores is, they are THE entertainment of our lives. If you have a love box in between your legs, chances are you’ve come across one. When your first crush rolls around, you take it upon yourself to hold hands with him at recess. A few days later you see him holding hands with Katherine. Damn that Katherine. The years pass and you have a slew of shitty Katherine-esque scenarios. But you convince yourself that one day you will meet a guy who isn’t such a skeeze and the curse will be lifted. After countless calamitous heartbreaks, you give up, but not really. You say you’re over finding a guy because they are all man whores.

But deep down, you secretly love every bit of it. The adrenaline rush you get trying to impress a guy like this magnetizes you. He receives the attention and blow jobs he wants from you because you truly believe you have what it takes to change him. You set goals for yourself, and he’s one of them. From the moment you decide homeboy is the one you so desire, you sign an unwritten contract to commit to him even if he doesn’t do likewise. You’re auditioning to be his new girlfriend, but are not guaranteed the role. This means that you have to compete against multiple other prospects achieving the role you wish for. Man whores just have that natural ability to be a director of vulnerable girls’ love lives.

Most of the time a male slut doesn’t even speak in the future tense when speaking of your relationship with him. Instead, he’s all about the present. If your boy is doing this, run. It’s an upfront hint he’s giving you, yet you fail to notice it. He sees you as a play toy, physically and emotionally. He probably does care about you and likes you. But a few weeks down the road a new toy hits the stores and he just can’t resist. He never made any promises to play with you for the rest of his life, so he ditches you for the shiny new toy. If you say you’ve never done this before, with a guy or even a literal toy, you’re a lying son of a bitch.

And yes, most man whores are liars as well. Obviously. Sometimes when these boys meet a girl they like, they start lying uncontrollably off the bat. “I’m totally down to binge watch OITNB all day with you babe. Spending time with you is all I want to do.” “I’m not going out tonight because I said I would hang out with Brodie after he gets off work.” Yet when they are belligerently drunk and leaning in towards a girl with her tits out, he says he just can’t stand up straight when actually he’s trying to guess her bra size. And when you spot him dry humping and making out with a Katherine clone on the dance floor, he will say her lips fell on his and he couldn’t get her off of him.

But guess what? He doesn’t owe you a lousy explanation. If you aren’t in an official relationship, you can’t try to control his every move and psychological functions. Fuck yeah that’s frustrating to the female brain. Science and shit has us wired to become obsessive and ruling lunatics when we don’t have things our way. Liars are shitheads regardless of the rest of their persona. Karma will rip out their nutsack eventually. But that’s their problem, and it doesn’t have to be yours. They know what they are doing is hurtful to you. However, if you’re willing to let them eat their cake and have it too, that’s all on you. There’s no reason for you to constantly make up excuses for them saying they are the exception.

And we really need to bring to our attention the difference between a “man whore” and a “complete jerk” because people are quick to put man whores under the “jerk” category. But as it turns out, not all man whores are jerks. Man whores just sleep around and have multiple not-so-official relationships at the same time. These guys are usually more charming and sly. Jerks, on the other hand, say rude shit like, “you weren’t my first choice anyways” when you deny their invitation to Pound Town. Some guys may be a mixture of both, but not all.

When you come face-to-face with a man whore, you’re working with a hidden next-level force of nature. There’s no denying there might be chemistry between you two. So there you are, falling for the “sweetheart” with big chocolaty eyes, when you get a text from a friend informing you he hooked up with yet another Katherine clone. Suddenly you’re left heartbroken, confused, and livid. HOW DARE HE?!?! He had the (blue) balls and independent right to. That’s how.

This featured image is a stock photo from our database. The people photographed are not in any way associated with the story.

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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