It Doesn’t Matter If You’re “Comfortable” Third Wheeling — The Couple Still Hates You

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Nice Move

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Other people’s happiness is an almost guaranteed thing that will upset me. It might sound immature, but I can’t stand other people’s honeymoon bliss while I’m single and bitter. In fact, I will do pretty much anything to avoid being a third wheel. I don’t care if you’re my best friend and your boyfriend is actually really cool, I would rather drink myself into a coma than be alone with you two in any situation. Maybe I take it a little too far, but I feel like the general feeling towards being the third wheel is “nah.”

Then there’s that girl. That girl who is the “professional” third wheel. The girl who not only swears up and down that she ~loves~ joining a couple on a clearly couples only activity, but then also Instagram’s the experience and captions it “date night with the #tricycle!” I hate that girl.

Partially because I am scarred, I have been in one of those “relationships.” I have been the girlfriend with a friend who insisted on being the third wheel. And while it’s great that she always assured me that she wasn’t uncomfortable joining in on date night, it wasn’t great that only her opinion mattered. Because as much as I loved her as a friend and loved spending time with her, I wasn’t so happy to share my super cute memories with her. Some things are supposed to be between the two people in the relationship, and to insert yourself in your friend’s relationship is selfish.

After the first PSL has been drunk and the first leaf has fallen, we have officially entered couple season. Which means every girl in a relationship is getting to snuggle up to a boy that she may or may not like every night, and the rest of us? Well, we handle it different ways. Some of us, yours truly included, use this season to get fucked up on festive beer and get fucked by guys in festive sweaters. Some, the emotionally stable ones, continue their lives as if they don’t need to overthink their self worth for being single. And the rest will not rest until we let everyone and their mothers know that we are single and PROUD. And from these girls are born the third wheels. They are ~so~ okay with being single, that they’re okay with the insufferable act that is third wheeling. K.

Y’all need to find your chill. Look I get it, it sucks not to have someone to take pictures with you in the rain. It’s devastating to have the perfect pumpkin patch outfit without a perfect prop (boyfriend) to complete your look. But it is desperate to hoard in on someone else’s happiness. The girls in the relationships won, so let them collect their prize. Let them enjoy locking down someone without insisting your involvement. As much as you might feel like you’re fooling everyone by laughing your pain away, you still look just as bitter as the rest of us…except you’re bringing attention to it.

Next time your best friend is going to snuggle up and watch a scary movie with her boyfriend, don’t grab the popcorn and watch it with them. I’m willing to bet you have plenty of single sisters, planned girls nights, and fuck buddies willing to do anything to get it in, to give you that cuddly comfort. Or you know, just drink until you forget you’re alone. Like a normal person.

Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com

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